It strikes me that there is also the experience of unrequited brotherhood. During my years in Big Fitness, there were more than one occasion where I tested the waters of vulnerability with a more senior male. Too many times, the awkward silence was the clear message:
"Don't be vulnerable around me. I'm not equipped to hold this pain for you."
The effort to claw back my right to be vulnerable remains a daily mission. I mostly fail at it.
I love the term “Unrequited brotherhood” It's such a painfully accurate way to put it. I feels like an amazing book title!
Testing the waters and being met with silence can cut deeper than not reaching out at all. It teaches you very quickly that being vulnerable isn't just hard. It can carry significant emotional risk. I understand how people who have this experience shut down and won't try again.
I think it speaks to you strength and character that you're still willing to put yourself out there. It's men like you who will break the chains that have shackled men for too many generations.
I think you hit on something really important. It's not about you and it's more about them and their inability to sit with someone else's uncomfortable emotions. I think, as men, we often feel the need to fix someone else's "problem" when they come to us and we're worried we won't know how. And I think on an even more basic level, they just don't know what to say and they hate that.
Thanks for your courage and determination, brother.
Boys should be taught at a very early age that it's ok to cry, to express feelings and to talk freely about what 's bothering them. A lot of what you're talking about is social conditioning and part ego. Society in general don't' allow ' men or don't teach men and young boys that it's ok to ask for help and that it's a sign of strength to ask for it. A cousin of mine , male ,27 years old committed suicide this past December and a friend committed suicide and then another friend attempted suicide and it's not his first attempt. He almost confided in his sister- in- law but he didn't when his brother showed up. One of his brother also kept everything to himself, turned to alcohol and drugs and committed suicide. Parents and schools have a responsibility to teach young boys and girls that it's ok and healthy to share their pain. It should begin at a very early age. Society has to change and it begins with each of us. Jason, thank you for sharing this very valuable information.
Thank you for sharing this Yvonne. and I’m really sorry about your cousin and friends. That’s a devastating amount of loss.
I agree with you. A lot of this is social conditioning, and it starts early. Boys learn very young what’s ‘allowed’ and what isn’t, and asking for help often gets coded as weakness long before anyone says it out loud.
What I keep noticing, though, is how hard that conditioning is to undo later in life. Even when the man wants to do things differently. That’s why this matters so much.
Being vulnerable can be incredibly liberating but finding the courage to get there can be a steep hill to climb.
I appreciate you adding your voice to the conversation.
Jason, thank you for your reply. I totally agree with you when you say how hard that conditioning is to undo later in life. Article like the one who wrote is badly needed. Women are also caught in that 'conditioning' but I understand that you wrote this article regarding men but it also applicable to women.
I’ll call it courage :)
I’ve been thinking about your response. My first reaction was that of course you have a choice. You could just not say anything.
But I think you’re getting at something more important. What makes you say that you don’t have a choice?
Nicely articulated, Jason.
It strikes me that there is also the experience of unrequited brotherhood. During my years in Big Fitness, there were more than one occasion where I tested the waters of vulnerability with a more senior male. Too many times, the awkward silence was the clear message:
"Don't be vulnerable around me. I'm not equipped to hold this pain for you."
The effort to claw back my right to be vulnerable remains a daily mission. I mostly fail at it.
It’s 100% this. Thank you.
Is it courage, I wonder. I don’t seem to have any other way to be. I might choose something safer if I felt like had a choice. 😆
I love the term “Unrequited brotherhood” It's such a painfully accurate way to put it. I feels like an amazing book title!
Testing the waters and being met with silence can cut deeper than not reaching out at all. It teaches you very quickly that being vulnerable isn't just hard. It can carry significant emotional risk. I understand how people who have this experience shut down and won't try again.
I think it speaks to you strength and character that you're still willing to put yourself out there. It's men like you who will break the chains that have shackled men for too many generations.
I think you hit on something really important. It's not about you and it's more about them and their inability to sit with someone else's uncomfortable emotions. I think, as men, we often feel the need to fix someone else's "problem" when they come to us and we're worried we won't know how. And I think on an even more basic level, they just don't know what to say and they hate that.
Thanks for your courage and determination, brother.
Boys should be taught at a very early age that it's ok to cry, to express feelings and to talk freely about what 's bothering them. A lot of what you're talking about is social conditioning and part ego. Society in general don't' allow ' men or don't teach men and young boys that it's ok to ask for help and that it's a sign of strength to ask for it. A cousin of mine , male ,27 years old committed suicide this past December and a friend committed suicide and then another friend attempted suicide and it's not his first attempt. He almost confided in his sister- in- law but he didn't when his brother showed up. One of his brother also kept everything to himself, turned to alcohol and drugs and committed suicide. Parents and schools have a responsibility to teach young boys and girls that it's ok and healthy to share their pain. It should begin at a very early age. Society has to change and it begins with each of us. Jason, thank you for sharing this very valuable information.
Thank you for sharing this Yvonne. and I’m really sorry about your cousin and friends. That’s a devastating amount of loss.
I agree with you. A lot of this is social conditioning, and it starts early. Boys learn very young what’s ‘allowed’ and what isn’t, and asking for help often gets coded as weakness long before anyone says it out loud.
What I keep noticing, though, is how hard that conditioning is to undo later in life. Even when the man wants to do things differently. That’s why this matters so much.
Being vulnerable can be incredibly liberating but finding the courage to get there can be a steep hill to climb.
I appreciate you adding your voice to the conversation.
Jason, thank you for your reply. I totally agree with you when you say how hard that conditioning is to undo later in life. Article like the one who wrote is badly needed. Women are also caught in that 'conditioning' but I understand that you wrote this article regarding men but it also applicable to women.