How to Build Safety, Trust and Connection in the Hardest Moments
This may be the most important leadership skill you were never taught (until now)
Table of Contents
You weren’t taught how to do this. It’s almost certain that you didn’t learn it in school, or any leadership training you’ve taken. And I imagine you haven’t seen it practiced well in your family either.
So, like most people, you learned by watching others. And if they didn’t know how to handle grief or strong emotions, chances are, you don’t either.
That’s why even the most well-meaning leaders say things like:
“They’d want you to forgive yourselves. It wasn’t your fault.”
“They’d want you to be strong.”
“I think you’ll find getting back into the swing of things really helpful.”
They’re not saying it because they don’t care. Of course they care. Like most people, no one ever taught them how to be present with pain without trying to fix it.
And here’s the impact: When someone is grieving, these messages don’t make things better. They make people feel more alone during the loneliest time of their lives.
Grief doesn’t need a solution. It needs to be witnessed. Emotional validation is how you do that.
What Emotional Validation Actually Is
Emotional validation means acknowledging someone’s emotional experience without trying to change it. At its core, it’s empathy in action. And empathy is one of the most impactful any human being can learn.
It doesn’t mean you agree with their point of view. It doesn’t mean you condone their behaviour. It means you accept that what they’re feeling is real to them and that you can handle being with them in it.
When done right, it says:
“I hear you. You must be so sad.”
“That sounds unbelievably hard”
“You don’t need to justify your emotions to me.”
Why Most People Get It Wrong (Even Leaders Who Care)
People invalidate grief all the time without realizing it. They do it even when they’re trying to do the right thing. And they do it for very human reasons. They do it because they’re uncomfortable or because they want to feel useful and helpful.
What people don’t realize is that underneath it all, they’re reacting to their own unease, rather than the other person’s unease. Instead of connection, you get defensiveness or the other person shuts down.
Here’s what grieving people hear, even if it’s not at all what you meant to say:
“Your emotions are too much.”
“You’re making things harder than they need to be.”
“I don’t know what to do with this so please stop.”
Before You Learn the LEAD Model, You Need the Right Mindset
You can memorize every technique in the world. Unless your belief system is aligned, you’ll never be able to consistently put them into practice. You’ll feel too much discomfort and anxiety and you’ll revert back to what feels the least uncomfortable. Even if it doesn’t work.
So before we talk about what to say, let’s talk about how to think.
Here are four core assumptions great leaders bring into emotionally charged conversations:
1. There Are No Right or Wrong Emotions
People may have distorted thoughts or flawed beliefs but their feelings are real to them. They come from somewhere.
Unhelpful mindset:
“They shouldn’t be this upset so long after losing them.”
“That’s an overreaction.”
Helpful mindset:
“They feel this way for a reason that makes perfect sense to them, even if I don’t fully understand it yet.”
“Trying to understand what’s causing them to feel this way will strengthen our relationship.”
Reframe it: Instead of “They shouldn’t feel this way,” try “They do feel this way. What might be making this moment feel so big to them?”
2. Validation Is Not Agreement (And It’s Not a Lack of Boundaries, Either)
You can acknowledge someone’s emotions without endorsing their actions. While there are no right or wrong emotions, there are certainly acceptable and unacceptable behaviours.
It’s understandable that someone would be deeply upset after losing a child. That doesn’t excuse getting angry and someone and calling them names or throwing your computer through a window.
Example:
“I can see how overwhelmed you are. Let’s talk when it feels calmer.”
“It makes sense that you’re struggling. Let’s figure out how to support you without compromising the team.”
You can validate emotion and hold very clear boundaries and expectations. That’s leadership and it’s required for the benefit of the grieving person and for the rest of the team you lead.
3. People Do Things That Make Perfect Sense to Them in the Moment, Even When They Don’t Make Sense to You
Every strong emotion, every surprising reaction, has a logic behind it even if it’s not your logic.
Unhelpful mindset:
Judging someone’s thoughts or actions as irrational and dismissing or minimizing them because of it.
Helpful mindset:
“Something about this makes sense to them. I wonder what that is.”
The shift is from judgment to curiosity. Think of yourself as a detective who is trying to uncover what makes what the other person is saying and doing make sense to them.
4. Curiosity Is the Opposite of Anger
The moment you get angry is the moment you stop being curious about the other person’s experience. Instead, you become focused on shoving yours down their throat. When that happens, any chance of connection and understanding is lost. Typically, and already difficult situation escalates and becomes even more challenging.
Unhelpful mindset:
“I’m so sick and tired of them being mopey and complaining”
Helpful mindset:
“What might be underneath this that I haven’t seen yet?”
This one shift changes everything about how people experience you. Reminding yourself to stay curious will help you be more effective in emotionally-charged situations.
What Happens When You Lead With These Assumptions
People feel safe enough to be honest.
Emotions de-escalate naturally because they’re no longer being resisted.
You build loyalty, trust, and psychological safety—without sacrificing standards.
And most importantly, you stop making things worse when someone’s already hurting.
The LEAD Model: A Simple Way to Get This Right
You’d don’t need to be a therapist and you don’t need the perfect words. You need a reliable way to respond especially in moments that catch you off guard.
That’s what the LEAD Model gives you.
L – Label the Emotion
Put gentle, nonjudgmental words to what you’re seeing.
“That sounds completely overwhelming”
“That’s such a heavy burden to carry”
“That hit hard, didn’t it?”
Once you label the emotion you think they might be dealing with, stop talking. The other person will start describing their experience. This is such a powerful step, that it’s often the only one you need to do. This one skill can de-escalate an emotionally-charged situation immediately.
Why it works: People often can’t name their own emotions. When you do it kindly, they feel seen, and less alone.
E – Explore Their Experience
This step is all about being curious and inviting them to talk about their experience. It creates a space where you, and they can better understand what’s going on.
Let them lead. Use open-ended questions, mirroring, and reflective statements to create space without pressure.
Open-Ended Questions invite deeper insight:
“When does it feel the hardest?”
“What’s been the most overwhelming part?”
“What do you wish people understood right now?”
Mirroring is simply repeating the last 1-4 words you heard from them with a slight upward inflection. It invites them to keep talking while allowing them to feel in control of the direction of the conversation.
“Isolating?”
“Really missing them?”
“Nothing feels the same?”
Reflective Statements summarize or name what you’re hearing to show understanding:
“It sounds like you’re carrying this alone.”
“It seems like a lot has shifted, and you’re still trying to catch your breath.”
“You’re grieving what happened—and the way people are responding.”
Why it works: When people feel heard without being rushed, judged, or analyzed, they stop bracing. And that’s when their own clarity, self-compassion, and resilience can start to return.
A – Acknowledge Their Experience
Let them know you can see how their reaction makes sense to them.
“I complete’y understand why you feel this way.”
“That’s a completely human response.”
“You’re not wrong for feeling this.”
Why it works: Shame shuts people down. Acknowledgment reopens the door to self-trust.
D – Decide What to Do Next (Together)
Ask before you act. Let them guide the next step. Support should never be assumed and should be offered with care and consent.
At this point in the conversation, something important has often already happened:
They’ve felt safe. They’ve been able to name what they’re feeling. They’ve heard their own thoughts out loud, maybe for the first time.
And because of that, they’ve often already done the hard work. They are likely calmer, have more clarity and often found their own best next step.
That means the most supportive thing you can do now is often nothing at all. Not because you’re avoiding action but because they don’t need anything else.
Still, you want to check in without adding pressure.
Here are a few ways to do that:
“Would it feel helpful to talk more, or would you have some space?”
“Do you want someone to check in later, or would you prefer not to think about this for a while?”
“Would you have any objection to me sharing something I’ve learned that I think might be helpful?”
“What would support look like today, if anything?”
Why it works: This step shifts you from being a witness to being a partner, but only if they want that. You stay available while they stay in control. Support becomes something you offer, not something you impose.
In-the-Moment Checklist for Emotional Validation
Pause (remember the Core Assumptions_
Label what you see
Explore with curiosity
Acknowledge the feeling
Ask before acting
Stay with them and don’t try to fix it.
You won’t always get it right. But you don’t need perfect words. You need presence.
Want to Get Better at This? Practice in a Safe Place
This skill isn’t built in theory. It’s built in practice.
That’s why we created the Interactive Emotional Validation Coach - a tool that helps you role-play real conversations, get feedback, and build emotional fluency before the stakes are high.
You’ll learn how to:
Support someone who’s clearly struggling but hasn’t opened up
Stay grounded when grief shows up suddenly and you feel unprepared
Avoid the most common mistakes that invalidate grief
Know when to speak—and when to simply be there
Try the AiMS Emotional Validation Coach.
It’s part of an entire suite of interactive tools and guides that will help you elevate how you run your business. Learn more about how they can help you at AiMS.Tools
You don’t have to get this perfect. You just have to show up—honestly, humanely, and with the courage to stay close when things get hard.
That’s what people remember. That’s what leadership looks like.
EXAMPLES OF OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS, MIRRORING AND REFLECTIVE STATEMENTS
This list provides 20 examples for each technique in the LEAD model so you can practice applying them in real conversations.
Labelling (20 Examples)
Purpose: Putting words to their emotions to help them feel seen and validated.
💡 Key Rule: Avoid saying “you” to prevent defensiveness. Use phrases like “That sounds…,” “That must be…,” “It seems like…”
Grieving Person: “I can’t believe they’re really gone.”
Labelling Response: “That must feel so unreal.”
Grieving Person: “I feel like I’m completely alone in this.”
Labelling Response: “That sounds incredibly isolating.”
Grieving Person: “Nothing feels the same anymore.”
Labelling Response: “It seems like everything feels different since they’ve been gone.”
Grieving Person: “I just feel so lost.”
Labelling Response: “That must be really disorienting.”
Grieving Person: “I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going.”
Labelling Response: “That sounds completely overwhelming.”
Grieving Person: “I should have done more.”
Labelling Response: “It seems like you’re carrying a lot of guilt.”
Grieving Person: “I don’t even know who I am without them.”
Labelling Response: “That must feel like a huge loss of identity.”
Grieving Person: “I just feel angry all the time.”
Labelling Response: “That sounds exhausting to carry.”
Grieving Person: “No one understands what this is like.”
Labelling Response: “That must feel really isolating.”
Grieving Person: “I don’t want to get out of bed most days.”
Labelling Response: “It sounds like this is weighing really heavily on you.”
Grieving Person: “I miss them so much it physically hurts.”
Labelling Response: “That must be an unbearable ache.”
Grieving Person: “I feel like I’m just going through the motions.”
Labelling Response: “That must feel really empty.”
Grieving Person: “People keep telling me I should be ‘getting better,’ but I’m not.”
Labelling Response: “That must be frustrating to hear when you’re still grieving.”
Grieving Person: “I just keep replaying that last conversation in my head.”
Labelling Response: “It sounds like you’re really stuck in that moment.”
Grieving Person: “I don’t know why I’m crying all the time.”
Labelling Response: “That must feel confusing and overwhelming.”
Grieving Person: “Holidays are the worst now.”
Labelling Response: “That makes sense—special days must feel so different without them.”
Grieving Person: “I feel guilty whenever I have a good day.”
Labelling Response: “That must feel really conflicting.”
Grieving Person: “I’m just so tired of feeling like this.”
Labelling Response: “That must feel completely draining.”
Grieving Person: “I hate how much grief has changed me.”
Labelling Response: “It sounds like you don’t recognize yourself anymore.”
Grieving Person: “I just wish I could have one more conversation with them.”
Labelling Response: “That must be such a painful longing.”
Open-Ended Questions (20 Examples)
Purpose: Inviting them to share more, without forcing them.
💡 Key Rule: Keep questions broad and allow them to take the conversation in whatever direction feels right for them.
“What’s been the hardest part about all of this for you?”
“What do you wish people understood about what you’re going through?”
“What’s been weighing on you the most lately?”
“What kinds of things bring you even a little comfort these days?”
“How do you find yourself thinking about them the most?”
“What’s something about them that you miss the most?”
“When do you feel their absence the most?”
“What’s something you wish people would stop saying to you?”
“What’s something that has actually helped you during this time?”
“What does support look like for you right now?”
“When you think about your grief, what stands out the most?”
“What’s been surprising to you about how you’ve been feeling?”
“How have your relationships changed since this loss?”
“What’s one thing that you hold onto that connects you to them?”
“What’s something you wish you could say to them?”
“What do you need more of right now?”
“What do you need less of right now?”
“What’s something that feels really unfair about all of this?”
“What’s a small moment from your time with them that keeps coming back to you?”
“What’s something you never expected about grieving?”
Mirroring and Reflective Statements (20 Examples)
Purpose: Keeping them talking by reflecting back their words or validating their emotions.
💡 Key Rule: Mirroring is repeating back their key words. Reflective statements summarize and validate their emotions.
Grieving Person: “I feel like I’m completely alone in this.”
Mirroring: “Completely alone?”
Reflective Statement: “It sounds like you’re feeling really isolated in your grief.”
Grieving Person: “I can’t believe they’re really gone.”
Mirroring: “Really gone?”
Reflective Statement: “It sounds like it’s still so hard to wrap your head around.”
Grieving Person: “Nothing feels the same anymore.”
Mirroring: “Nothing feels the same?”
Reflective Statement: “It seems like everything feels different since they’ve been gone.”
Grieving Person: “I just feel so lost.”
Mirroring: “Lost?”
Reflective Statement: “That must be really disorienting.”
Grieving Person: “I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep going.”
Mirroring: “Keep going?”
Reflective Statement: “It sounds like the future feels really uncertain right now.”
Grieving Person: “I should have done more.”
Mirroring: “Done more?”
Reflective Statement: “It seems like you’re carrying a lot of guilt.”
Grieving Person: “I don’t even know who I am without them.”
Mirroring: “Who you are without them?”
Reflective Statement: “That must feel like a huge loss of identity.”
Grieving Person: “I’m just so tired of feeling like this.”
Mirroring: “Tired of feeling like this?”
Reflective Statement: “That must feel completely draining.”
Grieving Person: “I just miss them so much.”
Mirroring: “Miss them so much?”
Reflective Statement: “It sounds like their absence is really hitting you hard.”