Jason, I appreciate so much that you had the courage to share such a difficult and heartwrenching experience. These are the things that we have to deal with when faced with such a hard loss, but people are usually reluctant to talk about it. I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife and daughter.
It hit home for me because my daughter is a Chloe as well. She is a fentanyl addict and homeless although she was home for a year in recovery and gave birth, but returned to the street last January. I've replayed viewing her after her death a thousand times even though she is still living. I've even spoken to a funeral director who I've known for decades about what we are allowed to do as far as making a body presentable. Her hands are very scarred. You left out few details. I appreciate your honesty. I did have to identify an accident victim 40 years ago. The details of that day are still very present in my mind. I wonder for your sake if it may have been easier for you not to see her but who can decide that?
Oh my god. I cried tears reading this. Still crying writing this comment.
I am so sorry for your loss brother. I am thinking of my 2 y/o daughter while reading this and it shattered my heart to pieces thinking about what if she was in your daughters shoes and me in yours.
Fuck man.
Please reach out if you want to talk.
I don’t care if we are strangers. We are 2 dads with big hearts. Here for you if you need me.
Today I stood in front of our homeschool group and described the incredible importance of the embodied love they gave and continue to give in the form of practical help and presence to me and our child since the death of my husband not long ago.
I loved his love for Jesus and his passionate desire to become and learn to become more and more like Jesus, from the inside out. This was part of our conversation on our first date and was a significant part of what I found attractive about him.
He loved us fiercely and persistently, even when life was very hard. He was loyal.
I loved that he was always here. I miss that so much now - even when things were hard, we knew that neither one of us was going anywhere; we were here, no matter what. Tonight when I got home after several hours away and saw his truck in the driveway, I remembered how comforting it was to see it and know he was home. Except now, he isn't.
I loved that he loved being a father. When our kiddo was born, he beamed with pride and delight. He included our kiddo in many of his daily activities and projects; and thanks to that, our kiddo knows a lot more than I do about what is in our garage and how to use the stuff, which has been a blessing to us now that my husband is gone.
He found delight in little things: the birds in the backyard, wildlife along the road on vacations, flowers alongside a hiking trail or a bicycling route, good food.
He was a lifelong learner, devouring books and videos about whatever topic he happened to be pursuing at the moment. I miss very much the ability to ask him "what book do we have about x?" or "where is the book about y?" or "what does so-and-so author say about such-and-such?" or "can you help [our kiddo] find something about abc?"
Thanks for asking for his name. I'd love to share it, but my personal policy is to not share family names on public forums.
WOW, Jason, this absolutely broke my hear to read. There are little words to say to someone with a loss like this. I am so sorry for who you have lost. The pain that lingers from that type of loss, I just can't imagine it. The fact that you found the courage to face this and along side you with loved ones is remarkable. You did something most struggle to do but you did it anyway. I am so happy you did so as well. To have those words to share in that moment even though I know you share words in your own special way today, is beautiful and brave. The lesson in the end speaks volume and such truth. Thank you for sharing such a tragic part of you.
As a father of twin girls, this was almost impossible to get through. And I had to stop every now and then to take a breath and stop myself from crying. All the way around the world, I will always be praying for you and your girls buddy. You are not alone.
Wow. I had always thought I made the right decision in not seeing my son Joshua, but now I wonder if it would have helped me, my wife, or our other children. I know just reading the autopsy was hard. Only my (nurse) oldest daughter and I read it because I didn't want others to have the mental pictures. Our deputy friend Stephen found him and had to live with that until his murder 2.5 years later. I didn't see Stephen either. I feel some guilt that maybe it was fear that kept me from it.
I commend you for this post Jason. Dom had a ‘natural burial’ and I was relieved when the funeral home told us they didn’t want us to see him as his body had degraded to the point where it would be upsetting for us. I wanted to remember my boy as he was. We spent time with him whilst he was in his casket and said much the same (beautiful) things that you did to Chloe. How do we manage to hold it together I sometimes wonder, but here we are, still doing it. Sending love ♥️
Man… thank you for being real. That took guts to write, and even more to live through.
What you shared brought me back to my own loss. Different details, same kind of heartbreak. That fear of seeing them one last time, wondering if you can handle it, hoping someone else makes the call for you. I felt that deep.
But you showed up. You did not run. You faced it head on, even when everything in you was screaming not to. That is strength most people will never understand.
You honored your daughter. And the way you told it—raw, unfiltered—it matters. It hits people right where they live.
You are not alone in this. And you are helping more folks than you know just by telling the truth.
What an intimate, precious gift to walk with you as you share this unbelievable nightmare in a way that touched my heart (I was crying at the end) and also so many men. You are real, vulnerable, self-aware of your emotions, and present in the face of devastating heartbreak. And most women don't witness men in their life being vulnerable - I think their hearts will be touched by your sharing this. Sending you love and peace.
Hi Jason. It feels so inappropriate to respond this way to such a breathtakingly personal thing. But I wanted to say thank you for the incredible courage it took to share this. I have not had to walk through the loss of a child, but when I sit opposite a client who has, I am humbled in their presence.
Dearest Jason - my heart aches for you while at the same moment heart pours love out to you, Mel, and Tanja with prayers of strength when each of you will need in this journey as you grieve with grace and growth! Thank you for using this space so we can connect to you / so real and raw. With love - Jackie S.
We love your folks Jason….here at the Gartshore and….our hearts are torn with pain for your horrible loss of Chloe!! We have sent many prayers for your strength and close family love, through this incredible loss! Our hearts respect and at the same time ….dread your pain. Blessings and love always ❤️
Jason, I appreciate so much that you had the courage to share such a difficult and heartwrenching experience. These are the things that we have to deal with when faced with such a hard loss, but people are usually reluctant to talk about it. I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife and daughter.
It hit home for me because my daughter is a Chloe as well. She is a fentanyl addict and homeless although she was home for a year in recovery and gave birth, but returned to the street last January. I've replayed viewing her after her death a thousand times even though she is still living. I've even spoken to a funeral director who I've known for decades about what we are allowed to do as far as making a body presentable. Her hands are very scarred. You left out few details. I appreciate your honesty. I did have to identify an accident victim 40 years ago. The details of that day are still very present in my mind. I wonder for your sake if it may have been easier for you not to see her but who can decide that?
Love and prayers as you continue to grieve.
Oh my god. I cried tears reading this. Still crying writing this comment.
I am so sorry for your loss brother. I am thinking of my 2 y/o daughter while reading this and it shattered my heart to pieces thinking about what if she was in your daughters shoes and me in yours.
Fuck man.
Please reach out if you want to talk.
I don’t care if we are strangers. We are 2 dads with big hearts. Here for you if you need me.
I really appreciate you saying that brother ❤️👊
Please help each other.
Today I stood in front of our homeschool group and described the incredible importance of the embodied love they gave and continue to give in the form of practical help and presence to me and our child since the death of my husband not long ago.
Wow. That must have been an incredibly powerful experience for everyone. And I’m so sorry you lost your husband.
Can I ask you his name and a few things you love most about him?
Thanks.
I loved his love for Jesus and his passionate desire to become and learn to become more and more like Jesus, from the inside out. This was part of our conversation on our first date and was a significant part of what I found attractive about him.
He loved us fiercely and persistently, even when life was very hard. He was loyal.
I loved that he was always here. I miss that so much now - even when things were hard, we knew that neither one of us was going anywhere; we were here, no matter what. Tonight when I got home after several hours away and saw his truck in the driveway, I remembered how comforting it was to see it and know he was home. Except now, he isn't.
I loved that he loved being a father. When our kiddo was born, he beamed with pride and delight. He included our kiddo in many of his daily activities and projects; and thanks to that, our kiddo knows a lot more than I do about what is in our garage and how to use the stuff, which has been a blessing to us now that my husband is gone.
He found delight in little things: the birds in the backyard, wildlife along the road on vacations, flowers alongside a hiking trail or a bicycling route, good food.
He was a lifelong learner, devouring books and videos about whatever topic he happened to be pursuing at the moment. I miss very much the ability to ask him "what book do we have about x?" or "where is the book about y?" or "what does so-and-so author say about such-and-such?" or "can you help [our kiddo] find something about abc?"
Thanks for asking for his name. I'd love to share it, but my personal policy is to not share family names on public forums.
I read this with fear, I read your words leading up to walking upbto see her.
All I can say is hugs…
WOW, Jason, this absolutely broke my hear to read. There are little words to say to someone with a loss like this. I am so sorry for who you have lost. The pain that lingers from that type of loss, I just can't imagine it. The fact that you found the courage to face this and along side you with loved ones is remarkable. You did something most struggle to do but you did it anyway. I am so happy you did so as well. To have those words to share in that moment even though I know you share words in your own special way today, is beautiful and brave. The lesson in the end speaks volume and such truth. Thank you for sharing such a tragic part of you.
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment Traci.
Seeing my girl’s body at the funeral home is so surreal that three years later, it still doesn’t seem real.
Interestingly, the memory that stands out as the most painful moment of that experience is handing over her “Blankie” to be cremated with her.
And thank you for giving me the opportunity to share it with your audience during your fatherhood series. I’m really looking forward to it!
As a father of twin girls, this was almost impossible to get through. And I had to stop every now and then to take a breath and stop myself from crying. All the way around the world, I will always be praying for you and your girls buddy. You are not alone.
Thank you so much brother. I appreciate it very much. I'm sorry it's taken me almost a year to respond!
Wow. I had always thought I made the right decision in not seeing my son Joshua, but now I wonder if it would have helped me, my wife, or our other children. I know just reading the autopsy was hard. Only my (nurse) oldest daughter and I read it because I didn't want others to have the mental pictures. Our deputy friend Stephen found him and had to live with that until his murder 2.5 years later. I didn't see Stephen either. I feel some guilt that maybe it was fear that kept me from it.
Hi Roy - my apologies for taking so long to respond. I understand how you feel.
For what it's worth, I don't think seeing her made anything better for me. It didn't make it worse either.
I guess I'm glad I did it so I don't have to wonder. But seeing her didn't help me in any way that I can tell. ❤️
Must have been incredibly hard. Love to you x
Thank you Julie.
Every time I read one of your pieces I cry along with you. Sending love 🤍
I commend you for this post Jason. Dom had a ‘natural burial’ and I was relieved when the funeral home told us they didn’t want us to see him as his body had degraded to the point where it would be upsetting for us. I wanted to remember my boy as he was. We spent time with him whilst he was in his casket and said much the same (beautiful) things that you did to Chloe. How do we manage to hold it together I sometimes wonder, but here we are, still doing it. Sending love ♥️
Man… thank you for being real. That took guts to write, and even more to live through.
What you shared brought me back to my own loss. Different details, same kind of heartbreak. That fear of seeing them one last time, wondering if you can handle it, hoping someone else makes the call for you. I felt that deep.
But you showed up. You did not run. You faced it head on, even when everything in you was screaming not to. That is strength most people will never understand.
You honored your daughter. And the way you told it—raw, unfiltered—it matters. It hits people right where they live.
You are not alone in this. And you are helping more folks than you know just by telling the truth.
Thank you friend. I really appreciate you reading and adding your voice to the conversation.
It was by far, the hardest thing I've ever done.
What an intimate, precious gift to walk with you as you share this unbelievable nightmare in a way that touched my heart (I was crying at the end) and also so many men. You are real, vulnerable, self-aware of your emotions, and present in the face of devastating heartbreak. And most women don't witness men in their life being vulnerable - I think their hearts will be touched by your sharing this. Sending you love and peace.
Jason, this has touched me deeply. I'm glad to have found your writing.
Thank you brother. I appreciate you saying that.
Hi Jason. It feels so inappropriate to respond this way to such a breathtakingly personal thing. But I wanted to say thank you for the incredible courage it took to share this. I have not had to walk through the loss of a child, but when I sit opposite a client who has, I am humbled in their presence.
Dearest Jason - my heart aches for you while at the same moment heart pours love out to you, Mel, and Tanja with prayers of strength when each of you will need in this journey as you grieve with grace and growth! Thank you for using this space so we can connect to you / so real and raw. With love - Jackie S.
We love your folks Jason….here at the Gartshore and….our hearts are torn with pain for your horrible loss of Chloe!! We have sent many prayers for your strength and close family love, through this incredible loss! Our hearts respect and at the same time ….dread your pain. Blessings and love always ❤️