After 2 suicide attempts in July 2009 and 2 bouts with cancer and many other life challenges, I've finally come into my own wisdom at age 67 after intense personal work and healing. I still struggle and have done much the same as you to try to heal from trauma - read books, join support groups, take courses, etc. What has prevented me from seeking therapy, aside from the expense, is that so often as women, we aren't understood or taken seriously. Too many stories of women being dismissed as 'too difficult' or neurotic. Women also risk being sexually abused by their therapists.
I witnessed this with my own mother for most of my adult life. She endured 10 years of beatings and rapes by my father - who was never held accountable for his abuse - and her illnesses were directly related to that abuse. For example, it took 15 years to diagnose a tumour in her pituitary gland. She tried to get help for her chronic health conditions from both doctors and psychiatrists. One by one, she was treated disrespectfully, patronized and infantilized even though she was extremely intelligent and highly functional despite her health conditions and emotional trauma.
My point is this: both men and women resist seeking help but for very different reasons. Women fear being dismissed and abused in a therapeutic setting. Men fear being shamed for being weak and fragile due to patriarchal standards for men. The result is that we all end up causing more harm to our loved ones.
Kudos to you for owning your trauma and doing the necessary work with or without professional help. It's excruciating at times, but on the other side of doing this soul work is joy and peace that is indescribable. The work of healing never ends, but truly self-forgiveness is the only way to make progress. Sending love and light to you and to your family.
A very close friend just lost her adult son to suicide. It’s very fresh and I don’t think she’s started any therapy. She was considering a grief group but not sure she’s done that either. I am not pushing her. I just suggested that when you face something so harsh you need all the support you can get. I may share this with her. I, on the other hand, have had lots of therapy and can attest to your description of the process. Self-help books offer information but they won’t show you your blindsides or sit with you when you touch that toe. I know. I’ve read most of them and nothing helped until I found a wonderful, qualified therapist. I’m very sorry for your losses. And. Appreciate you sharing this.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your encouragement Sherrie. It would be an honour if you'd share this with your friend and if you do, I hope it helps her in some way ❤️
"... I felt compassion for that guy. For me. And it was beautiful."
Yes, yes it was... beautiful. And critically needed for your own life.
This was a masterpiece of catharsis, start to finish. I'm going to say it: you likely don't realize how powerful this one communication (writing) of yours can be for people, for men, for many years to come.
Patricia here again—in my years of working with clients and being more familiar than I’d like with suicide, I’ve discovered one universal truth, and that is: we’d all rather feel guilty than powerless.
I think you’re right. It seems much easier to believe that there’s something you could have done but didn’t, versus accepting how little control you had in the first place.
At least the first one can give you the illusion of some sense of control.
Beautiful analogy and storytelling. Compelling recreation of a life in survival mode and finding your way out. I feel this as I raise my 2 younger boys after the loss of their dad.,I sometimes feel as if I am just surviving and not thriving. I pray I am doing enough to support them but I am trying to also support myself through it all. It does help to shine a light on making sure they get what they need now. Thanks for opening up and sharing something so raw.,🙏
Thank you Jill and I'm so sorry about your and your boys' loss. And I completely understand how trying to take care of yourself and your kids through something like can feel like juggling glass balls.
Thank you, Jason. I appreciate the support and validation. And I too am sorry for your loss. Getting to a knowing of the (new) self through acceptance can seem like an insurmountable feat most days. I admire the courage.
This was/is powerful, poignant, and beautiful .
After 2 suicide attempts in July 2009 and 2 bouts with cancer and many other life challenges, I've finally come into my own wisdom at age 67 after intense personal work and healing. I still struggle and have done much the same as you to try to heal from trauma - read books, join support groups, take courses, etc. What has prevented me from seeking therapy, aside from the expense, is that so often as women, we aren't understood or taken seriously. Too many stories of women being dismissed as 'too difficult' or neurotic. Women also risk being sexually abused by their therapists.
I witnessed this with my own mother for most of my adult life. She endured 10 years of beatings and rapes by my father - who was never held accountable for his abuse - and her illnesses were directly related to that abuse. For example, it took 15 years to diagnose a tumour in her pituitary gland. She tried to get help for her chronic health conditions from both doctors and psychiatrists. One by one, she was treated disrespectfully, patronized and infantilized even though she was extremely intelligent and highly functional despite her health conditions and emotional trauma.
My point is this: both men and women resist seeking help but for very different reasons. Women fear being dismissed and abused in a therapeutic setting. Men fear being shamed for being weak and fragile due to patriarchal standards for men. The result is that we all end up causing more harm to our loved ones.
Kudos to you for owning your trauma and doing the necessary work with or without professional help. It's excruciating at times, but on the other side of doing this soul work is joy and peace that is indescribable. The work of healing never ends, but truly self-forgiveness is the only way to make progress. Sending love and light to you and to your family.
A very close friend just lost her adult son to suicide. It’s very fresh and I don’t think she’s started any therapy. She was considering a grief group but not sure she’s done that either. I am not pushing her. I just suggested that when you face something so harsh you need all the support you can get. I may share this with her. I, on the other hand, have had lots of therapy and can attest to your description of the process. Self-help books offer information but they won’t show you your blindsides or sit with you when you touch that toe. I know. I’ve read most of them and nothing helped until I found a wonderful, qualified therapist. I’m very sorry for your losses. And. Appreciate you sharing this.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your encouragement Sherrie. It would be an honour if you'd share this with your friend and if you do, I hope it helps her in some way ❤️
"... I felt compassion for that guy. For me. And it was beautiful."
Yes, yes it was... beautiful. And critically needed for your own life.
This was a masterpiece of catharsis, start to finish. I'm going to say it: you likely don't realize how powerful this one communication (writing) of yours can be for people, for men, for many years to come.
Thank you so much my friend. I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement.❤️
Patricia here again—in my years of working with clients and being more familiar than I’d like with suicide, I’ve discovered one universal truth, and that is: we’d all rather feel guilty than powerless.
I think you’re right. It seems much easier to believe that there’s something you could have done but didn’t, versus accepting how little control you had in the first place.
At least the first one can give you the illusion of some sense of control.
Bingo.
Beautiful analogy and storytelling. Compelling recreation of a life in survival mode and finding your way out. I feel this as I raise my 2 younger boys after the loss of their dad.,I sometimes feel as if I am just surviving and not thriving. I pray I am doing enough to support them but I am trying to also support myself through it all. It does help to shine a light on making sure they get what they need now. Thanks for opening up and sharing something so raw.,🙏
Thank you Jill and I'm so sorry about your and your boys' loss. And I completely understand how trying to take care of yourself and your kids through something like can feel like juggling glass balls.
I wish you, and them, peace and healing ❤️
Thank you, Jason. I appreciate the support and validation. And I too am sorry for your loss. Getting to a knowing of the (new) self through acceptance can seem like an insurmountable feat most days. I admire the courage.