“I eventually stopped and realized I had to work on my damn self first”. Yeah, it took me a long time to figure that one out, too. Thank you for sharing your story, Mr. MacKenzie.
Jason, an interesting article that I can identify with. I think we're so accustomed to the idea of a "redemption arc" as a meta-narrative in our lives, that we often expect ourselves to respond to terrible tragedies in that way. You can't force a story out of yourself; the story reveals itself as you start to live a different life.
I started to write a book after my son died and I couldn't finish it. When I review it now, it's clear it wasn't very good, as I had yet to fully experience and truly begin to understand my grief – a testament to the author's point about needing to work on oneself first. To use an expression from my father, "I didn't know my arse from my elbow" at the time.
That said, I'm certainly not opposed to anyone writing at this time if it gives them some relief. Indeed, the process can help with organising your thoughts and documenting the huge changes you'll be experiencing as you grieve."
Jason, I lost Ewan 10 years ago. In many ways, I'm in a much better place, but it isn't, and never has been, a linear process. I'm still finding things out about grieving that surprises me. I can still get knocked on my arse for a few days completely out of the blue. I think I've learned to process the lows quicker. I'll have finished the rough draft of the book this week. Writing my Substack has really helped me with this. This and exercise seem to help me the most.
Hi David - thank you so much for adding your voice to the conversation and I'm so sorry you lost your son. Your experience and mine are very similar when it comes to writing the book.
Do you think you'll finish it one day?
And to your last point, that's what I did. I just kept writing without any big goal in mind. I just did it because it felt good and seemed to be helping people, which also felt good.
Now, a few years later it feels like the right time to finish this guide. This story is one chapter of it. I know I can help men navigate the immediate aftermath and I feel ready to do it now.
Can I ask how long ago you lost your son? And how are you doing now, brother?
Are you familiar with the group Helping Fathers Heal? It's an affiliate of the international non-profit Helping Parents Heal. I was an HPH affiliate founder and leader here in Tampa for 8 years and know the people who run the fathers' group. I would love to refer them to your site and of course, will reference your Substack. But in case they are looking for you someplace outside of here, do you have a website or any other location that might be a backup?
Or, if you're interested in approaching it from another direction, here is their site on FB where you can request to join.
We have a lot of dads in our local group, too, so I'm familiar with their unique struggles. You would be an amazing asset to them. If you would like me to make an introduction, I'd be happy to, just say the word.
Thank you, Jason for affirming my grief. I think we all need to be better at simply recognizing and affirming one another’s grief. To clarify, my tsunami was uncovering infidelity in my marriage. I got divorce papers on my 50th birthday. I was head of Women’s ministry in our Bible church. My adult sons were all in rebellion. My terminally ill mother died shortly after the divorce. I had not worked full-time in 25 years. I lost everything I tied my identity too. I had to rebuild my identity from the rubble. But after my youngest graduated, I moved to Dallas got a job in advertising sales at the Christian radio station. I listened to every day for years. Then went to the Dallas Morning News where I had written letters to the editor in my journalism class in college. I won awards and sat on sales leadership council. God allowed me to live dreams I put on the shelf to be a wife and a mother which was 100% OK with me at the time. I say all that to give God the Glory! But the grieving….I did it all scared and bloody raw.
There was not much information at that time about betrayal trauma, and how you must go through the grieving process. I am now determined to share my story more openly to help other women understand. The Lord taught me much of forgiveness and reaching emotional forgiveness. With three sons, one who I just baptized in Lake Michigan! and is 37 today, I’m so thankful Jason that you are ministering to men. You are the answer to many mothers’ prayers.
Bravo to you! Building a new life from the ashes of everything that has been burned to the ground takes courage and the willingness to release everything we thought we knew. I love how if we simply trust, beautiful things can be created from the grief that arises from loss. It can take many years before we're able to look back and acknowledge the gifts in what we were so sure was tragedy and nothing else.
Jason. Thank you. I am so so sorry for your loss and grief. There are no words only time. I lost my life and had to make another at age 50 in a different way, but I experienced so much of your story. It was 2005 around the time of the big tsunami off the Indian coast. I was meeting with a counselor and elder at our church and he said you’ve just been through a tsunami. Everything around you is rubble. There is no place to go to get away from the rubble that is your life now. You will have to live through picking up every piece and deciding if it can go with you or must be trashed.
It was just agony that every minute was an hour every hour was a day every day a week and so on with no way to change it.
Thanks you for reminding us what so many are going through as we walk past them every day.
“If you let that happen, you’ll have failed them in life and again in death.” Heartbreaking.
Amen…TY for your posts they and you are making a difference and helping people heal from their grief and trauma
“I eventually stopped and realized I had to work on my damn self first”. Yeah, it took me a long time to figure that one out, too. Thank you for sharing your story, Mr. MacKenzie.
Jason, an interesting article that I can identify with. I think we're so accustomed to the idea of a "redemption arc" as a meta-narrative in our lives, that we often expect ourselves to respond to terrible tragedies in that way. You can't force a story out of yourself; the story reveals itself as you start to live a different life.
I started to write a book after my son died and I couldn't finish it. When I review it now, it's clear it wasn't very good, as I had yet to fully experience and truly begin to understand my grief – a testament to the author's point about needing to work on oneself first. To use an expression from my father, "I didn't know my arse from my elbow" at the time.
That said, I'm certainly not opposed to anyone writing at this time if it gives them some relief. Indeed, the process can help with organising your thoughts and documenting the huge changes you'll be experiencing as you grieve."
Jason, I lost Ewan 10 years ago. In many ways, I'm in a much better place, but it isn't, and never has been, a linear process. I'm still finding things out about grieving that surprises me. I can still get knocked on my arse for a few days completely out of the blue. I think I've learned to process the lows quicker. I'll have finished the rough draft of the book this week. Writing my Substack has really helped me with this. This and exercise seem to help me the most.
Hi David - thank you so much for adding your voice to the conversation and I'm so sorry you lost your son. Your experience and mine are very similar when it comes to writing the book.
Do you think you'll finish it one day?
And to your last point, that's what I did. I just kept writing without any big goal in mind. I just did it because it felt good and seemed to be helping people, which also felt good.
Now, a few years later it feels like the right time to finish this guide. This story is one chapter of it. I know I can help men navigate the immediate aftermath and I feel ready to do it now.
Can I ask how long ago you lost your son? And how are you doing now, brother?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
You're so welcome, friend ♥️
So much wisdom here, Jason.
Are you familiar with the group Helping Fathers Heal? It's an affiliate of the international non-profit Helping Parents Heal. I was an HPH affiliate founder and leader here in Tampa for 8 years and know the people who run the fathers' group. I would love to refer them to your site and of course, will reference your Substack. But in case they are looking for you someplace outside of here, do you have a website or any other location that might be a backup?
Or, if you're interested in approaching it from another direction, here is their site on FB where you can request to join.
We have a lot of dads in our local group, too, so I'm familiar with their unique struggles. You would be an amazing asset to them. If you would like me to make an introduction, I'd be happy to, just say the word.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/HelpingFathersHeal/
Thank you, Jason for affirming my grief. I think we all need to be better at simply recognizing and affirming one another’s grief. To clarify, my tsunami was uncovering infidelity in my marriage. I got divorce papers on my 50th birthday. I was head of Women’s ministry in our Bible church. My adult sons were all in rebellion. My terminally ill mother died shortly after the divorce. I had not worked full-time in 25 years. I lost everything I tied my identity too. I had to rebuild my identity from the rubble. But after my youngest graduated, I moved to Dallas got a job in advertising sales at the Christian radio station. I listened to every day for years. Then went to the Dallas Morning News where I had written letters to the editor in my journalism class in college. I won awards and sat on sales leadership council. God allowed me to live dreams I put on the shelf to be a wife and a mother which was 100% OK with me at the time. I say all that to give God the Glory! But the grieving….I did it all scared and bloody raw.
There was not much information at that time about betrayal trauma, and how you must go through the grieving process. I am now determined to share my story more openly to help other women understand. The Lord taught me much of forgiveness and reaching emotional forgiveness. With three sons, one who I just baptized in Lake Michigan! and is 37 today, I’m so thankful Jason that you are ministering to men. You are the answer to many mothers’ prayers.
Bravo to you! Building a new life from the ashes of everything that has been burned to the ground takes courage and the willingness to release everything we thought we knew. I love how if we simply trust, beautiful things can be created from the grief that arises from loss. It can take many years before we're able to look back and acknowledge the gifts in what we were so sure was tragedy and nothing else.
Jason. Thank you. I am so so sorry for your loss and grief. There are no words only time. I lost my life and had to make another at age 50 in a different way, but I experienced so much of your story. It was 2005 around the time of the big tsunami off the Indian coast. I was meeting with a counselor and elder at our church and he said you’ve just been through a tsunami. Everything around you is rubble. There is no place to go to get away from the rubble that is your life now. You will have to live through picking up every piece and deciding if it can go with you or must be trashed.
It was just agony that every minute was an hour every hour was a day every day a week and so on with no way to change it.
Thanks you for reminding us what so many are going through as we walk past them every day.
I remember that horrific tsunami well although only from the safety of my living room through the television.
I can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like both at the time and the aftermath.
I hope you have managed to find some level of peace and healing friend. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your important story ♥️
Yes. You and I talked on the phone about the group. I’m a member and they are wonderful ❤️
LOL - I'm way ahead of - or behind myself. I do remember our conversation, of course - just not sure I mentioned them.
Thank you for that. My writing is my action. It seems like it's yours, too. Keep up the great work.
Amen brother. Same to you!
These words alone contain so much wisdom: "Not every wound needs to become wisdom right away."
Thank you for always being so encouraging ♥️