People mean well when they tell a widow she’s still young and that you never know who’s around the corner. If your marriage ended in violence and then in suicide, that advice skips the first question most women ask about any man, which is whether they’ll be safe with him.
In our third conversation, Isabelle and I talk about dating after loss from two very different places. She left an abusive marriage ten months before her husband died by suicide, and she’s raising two young boys on her own. I started seeing Tanja while my first wife Cindy was still alive and still leaning on me for almost everything. Two very different experiences from two people navigating very different losses.
An easier stretch doesn’t mean you’re done grieving.
Last weekend I cried harder about Chloe than I had in months, and the next day I could barely function. Weeks of low-grade anxiety had been building the whole time, and I wasn’t aware of how much pressure had built up. We talk about why it’s so easy to show compassion to everyone else when that happens and so hard to show any to yourself, and why I can still feel like I’m letting Tanja down even when I know she doesn’t think that.
Loneliness can pass for wanting sex until you get the sex
When I first moved out, I’ll be honest about the motivation: I wanted to get laid. After two and a half years with none, I figured that would probably make things better. Instead, hooking up quickly showed me that I was craving emotional intimacy. It made me feel lonelier than I already did.
She asks a question most men never have to ask
Isabelle describes what it’s like to see every man as a potential threat, even with a father and brother she adores and two sons she’s raising to treat women well. She doesn’t want to be out after dark. She doesn’t want a date to know her address. She talks about women in her support group who have remarried and wonders how they took that chance again. If you’re a man who’s never once wondered whether a first date might end with you getting hurt, I think you’ll find this enlightening.
Red flags are easier to spot when you’re in a good place
I asked Isabelle how confident she feels in her ability to see red flags and hold a boundary. Her answer was zero, and she explains why. She never had much time on her own to figure out who she was before she met her husband. We talk about how self-esteem feeds discernment, and how low self-worth sends you looking for approval instead of looking clearly at the person across the table.
Your kids live with dating decisions you can’t take back
Tanja came into my kids’ lives when they were six and five. She’s been a mother to Mel for far longer than Cindy ever was, and she still ended up competing with a ghost. I talk about a hard conversation I had with Chloe about whether I started dating too fast, and why I don’t regret it even though I can’t tell you what the right answer would have been. Isabelle talks about the belief that if she loves her boys enough and surrounds them with good men, she can protect them from what their father did. We both know that love gives your kids a better shot without guaranteeing anything.
Timestamps
00:00 The murder-mystery poster and a check-in
01:07 Back to school after a year of homeschooling
02:27 A night of grief over Chloe, and the day after
06:36 Dating after loss
07:15 How dating started before Cindy died
12:00 Chasing sex and finding loneliness
15:09 Why dating feels so different for women
18:11 “You never know” and other things people say
23:35 Elizabeth Gilbert’s take on marriage
30:13 Trusting yourself to see red flags
34:22 Self-esteem and discernment
36:44 The rescue story women grow up on
38:35 What fathers show their daughters about men
40:37 Stepparents, kids, and competing with a ghost
45:04 Love gives no guarantees
49:53 The winter walk question
53:11 Wrapping up
For weeks I told myself I was fine, and I somehow didn’t see it until the tears started flowing. It’s because I have a tendency to be The Rock. I’m working on it, but it still shows up.
If you want to learn more about how you’re protecting yourself after a loss, the Gut Check will help. It’s a completely free assessment that will help you understand what you’re doing and give you some ideas on what to do about it.
If you love a man who says he’s fine when you know he isn’t, there’s a partner version that will help you understand him better.
