“You have to want to understand her more than you want to be right about her.” This one line says so much. When I’ve sat with men who genuinely loved their partners and still couldn’t get there, not because they didn’t care, but because being right had become more important than being close without them even realizing it. The shift from defending to curious is one of the most important things a man can make.
I think that's exactly it brother. Being right is both a control strategy and a way of demonstrating our competence to ourselves and the people we're talking to. Being wrong doesn't feel like an opportunity to learn something, it feels like a verdict on their manhood.
I try to operate based on a few simple ideas:
- people do and say things that make perfect sense to them in the moment. Instead of dismissing or judging them, try to understand how it makes sense to them.
- being effective is better than being right. Proving yourself right while damaging the relationship is the definition of a Pyrrhic victory.
- we're all having our own unique experience all the time. Yours is just as legitimate to you as mine is to me.
It takes an awful lot of practice, and failing at it, to be able to remember these when you're feeling defensive and your nervous system is telling you you're being attacked.
Thanks for reading and adding your voice to the conversation Marc. I'm sure your clients are lucky to have you as a coach.
Verdict on their manhood — that’s exactly the right framing. Being wrong doesn’t feel like information to a man who was never given permission to not know. It feels like exposure. The work starts there. Grateful for the exchange Jason.
The truest thing here: ask her then shut up and listen. Also the hardest for those of us raised to be fixers, mostly because what she'll reveal most often is that we're what needs fixin'.
Jason, what an amazing piece and so much resonated with me. It's heartwarming to see your efforts and how it helps maintain what appears to be a tight, loving relationship. Thank you, I look forward to reading more.
Sometimes there needs to be a neutral third party, to help partners sharing this immense sense of heartbroken excruciating loss and immeasurable despair ,each will handle it differently and for what ever length of time , neither is wrong .
Communication, communication, communication. You have done this yourself and have also shared so much with so many people. Thank you for all your wisdom and transparency with others🙏♥️
I think your guide is for any man not just those going through grief. Although I feel grief is sometimes the male equivalent of empathy. Do you get what I mean? When I’m not myself I can see my husband almost grieving for the “lighter” me. It’s like he misses it. When he expresses it this way, I totally get it.
Hi Patti - I completely agree with you. These types of questions are good for any man for sure. My writing is focused on grief so I shared them in that context.
It sounds like your husband is pretty understanding and I’m really glad to hear that ❤️
So many words I would say in response to this, but I’ll just say two: thank you.
Indeed, Cheryl ♥️
You’re so welcome, Cheryl ❤️
Spot on, Jason ♥️
“You have to want to understand her more than you want to be right about her.” This one line says so much. When I’ve sat with men who genuinely loved their partners and still couldn’t get there, not because they didn’t care, but because being right had become more important than being close without them even realizing it. The shift from defending to curious is one of the most important things a man can make.
I think that's exactly it brother. Being right is both a control strategy and a way of demonstrating our competence to ourselves and the people we're talking to. Being wrong doesn't feel like an opportunity to learn something, it feels like a verdict on their manhood.
I try to operate based on a few simple ideas:
- people do and say things that make perfect sense to them in the moment. Instead of dismissing or judging them, try to understand how it makes sense to them.
- being effective is better than being right. Proving yourself right while damaging the relationship is the definition of a Pyrrhic victory.
- we're all having our own unique experience all the time. Yours is just as legitimate to you as mine is to me.
It takes an awful lot of practice, and failing at it, to be able to remember these when you're feeling defensive and your nervous system is telling you you're being attacked.
Thanks for reading and adding your voice to the conversation Marc. I'm sure your clients are lucky to have you as a coach.
Verdict on their manhood — that’s exactly the right framing. Being wrong doesn’t feel like information to a man who was never given permission to not know. It feels like exposure. The work starts there. Grateful for the exchange Jason.
The truest thing here: ask her then shut up and listen. Also the hardest for those of us raised to be fixers, mostly because what she'll reveal most often is that we're what needs fixin'.
I think that's such a great point Jeff. Thanks for sharing your insights, as always!
Jason, what an amazing piece and so much resonated with me. It's heartwarming to see your efforts and how it helps maintain what appears to be a tight, loving relationship. Thank you, I look forward to reading more.
Thank you so much for reading and for your encouragement, Sandra!
I absolutely love this, Jason. It’s crazy just how easy it is to be forgotten as a partner in favor of more pressing and immediate needs.
Amen!
Sometimes there needs to be a neutral third party, to help partners sharing this immense sense of heartbroken excruciating loss and immeasurable despair ,each will handle it differently and for what ever length of time , neither is wrong .
I complete agree with you Trudy ❤️
🙏
Communication, communication, communication. You have done this yourself and have also shared so much with so many people. Thank you for all your wisdom and transparency with others🙏♥️
Thank you for reading and for your encouragement Nancy ❤️
I think your guide is for any man not just those going through grief. Although I feel grief is sometimes the male equivalent of empathy. Do you get what I mean? When I’m not myself I can see my husband almost grieving for the “lighter” me. It’s like he misses it. When he expresses it this way, I totally get it.
Hi Patti - I completely agree with you. These types of questions are good for any man for sure. My writing is focused on grief so I shared them in that context.
It sounds like your husband is pretty understanding and I’m really glad to hear that ❤️
Hi there. Thank you for your thoughtful comment and for sharing your story.
I’m sorry he wasn’t able to hear what you were saying. It must have been so frustrating and painful.
I’m glad this piece hit home and I hope it helps you in some way that matters to you ❤️