Signal vs. Noise: How Grief Screws With Your Head (And What to Do About It)
Stop looking out the window for a target. Start looking in the mirror for the source.
Like most men, I spent most of my life chained to a lie—that logic and emotions are at war. That a man should bury what he feels, push through, and never let emotion cloud his decisions.
I got that message everywhere. From my dad (no blame, I love you Dad). From action heroes who lost comrades without flinching. From the corporate executives I idolized who treated emotions like distractions.
As a coach, I’ve seen it play out in countless men. Trapped in their own belief system. Emotionally hobbled. Disconnected from the people they love because of the prison they've built.
I’m writing this because I’m fucking sick of it.
I’m sick of men lying to themselves.
I’m sick of them using their upbringing as a life-long excuse.
I’m sick of watching them wreck themselves and their relationships because they never stop to question their beliefs.
I told myself all the same stupid, limiting lies:
I’m steady. My wife is emotional. My way is simpler, and therefore better.
People who express emotions are irrational and annoying. While they fall apart, logical guys like me get things done.
The most important thing is looking like I have my shit together - even if that means lying to myself and everyone else about what’s going on inside me.
When I quit drinking, all of that fell apart. I started feeling everything. And to say it was disturbing is an understatement. There were many moments where I thought I was losing my mind. Like I was falling apart in a way I’d never come back from.
Thank God my wife was there. She helped me see what should have been obvious: I wasn’t going crazy. I was finally having a normal human reaction to loss.
Turns out, when your wife gasses herself in her car, it affects you. Imagine that.
As I let myself actually feel the emotions, something surprising happened—I started to heal. I started seeing the past differently, not as something that happened to me, but as something I could learn from. I stopped feeling like a passenger in my own story. And for the first time in a long time, I felt a glimmer of hope for the future.
And because I don’t do anything halfway, I did what I always do—I hyperfixated. My wife will attest to that, and does, often. I became obsessed with understanding the role emotions play in our lives. Especially for men.
At first, I was just trying to make sense of myself. But the more I dug in, the more I realized this wasn’t just about me—this was about how men are wired.
We’re taught to suppress, rationalize, and ignore. We assume that control means shutting emotions down, not understanding them.
And it finally dawned on me. Emotional intelligence (EQ) isn’t about being weak.
It’s about learning to stop fighting emotions. It’s about letting them do their work - because ignoring them only makes things worse.
Why This Matters
Grief doesn’t always announce itself. Sometimes it runs you over out of nowhere. Other times, it masquerades as frustration, guilt, numbness, or anger.
Most men don’t recognize it because they mistake noise for signal.
They blame their anger on what the other person did.
They assume their lack of motivation is burnout, never considering that grief has drained their energy.
They think their impatience with their family is work stress—when it’s really loneliness and guilt from the loss they’ve suffered.
But grief doesn’t disappear just because you don’t name it. If you don’t understand what’s happening inside you, it will control your life in ways you don’t see until it’s too late.
This is where EQ comes in.
The Four Pillars of Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence isn’t about being more emotional. It’s about being more aware and intentional with emotions—your own and others’.
It’s built on four key areas:
Self-Awareness – Recognizing what you’re feeling and why.
Self-Regulation – Controlling how emotions influence your behavior.
Social Awareness – Understanding emotions in others.
Relationship Management – Navigating tough conversations, setting boundaries, and building support.
Most men struggle with all four. But without self-awareness, nothing else works. If you don’t know what’s happening inside you, you can’t regulate it. You won’t see it in others. Your relationships will suffer.
That’s why this tool focuses on self-awareness.
Now let’s get into how men screw this up - and what to do instead.
The Three Biggest Mistakes Men Make When They Lack Emotional Intelligence
1. They Mistake Noise for the Signal
Not every emotion is telling you something useful.
Some emotions are signal—clear, primary emotions that directly connect to grief.
Others are noise—secondary emotions that distort what’s actually happening underneath.
Signal vs. Noise in Grief
Signal: Sadness, loneliness, guilt, fear—primary emotions directly tied to loss.
Noise: Anger, bitterness, irritability, avoidance—secondary emotions that mask the real issue.
At first, grief is obvious. The sadness is raw. The loneliness is unmistakable.
But over time, grief stops announcing itself.
You feel irritable, but don’t connect it to grief.
You feel restless, but assume it’s just work stress.
You pull away from people, but don’t realize you’re avoiding the pain.
This is how men lose sight of what’s really happening. Grief doesn’t go away—it just stops looking like grief.
The longer it’s been, the more self-awareness matters - because the connection between grief and your behavior isn’t obvious anymore.
2. They Look Out the Window Instead of in the Mirror
When things feel off, most men look outside themselves for a reason.
Work is stressful.
My wife is on my case.
People just piss me off lately.
But what if the problem isn’t out there?
What if you’re reacting to noise—blaming external things—when the real signal is inside you?
If every conversation turns into an argument…
If your patience is running thin with your kids…
If nothing feels exciting anymore…
The issue isn’t just them. It’s you.
That’s not an attack. It’s a reality check. If grief is shaping your reactions, your relationships, and your decisions, you need to own it—or it will own you.
Stop looking out the window for a target.
Start looking in the mirror for the source.
3. They Don’t See What Grief Is Doing to Them
Grief doesn’t wreck you all at once. It works slowly and quietly.
You don’t wake up one morning and realize you’ve become numb to the people around you.
You don’t immediately see that you’ve turned short-tempered, closed off, impossible to reach.
You don’t notice when you stop laughing as much.
But the people around you? They see it.
A marriage starts slipping because you’ve been emotionally unavailable.
A friend stops calling because you’ve been too withdrawn to connect.
A career opportunity disappears because you’ve been running on autopilot.
Grief doesn’t just leave quietly. If you don’t face it, it will bleed into everything you care about.
You can wake up to it now—or wake up later to the damage.
Which one do you think will cost you more?
What to Do Instead: The Signal vs. Noise Emotional Drill
You don’t need to be a master of emotions to handle grief better. You don’t need to unpack your childhood or sit through hours of therapy (though that’s probably a great idea. More on that later).
You just need a system to catch yourself before grief starts derailing your life.
Step 1: Slow Down and Check the Patterns
Grief distorts your perception. It doesn’t always show up as sadness. It disguises itself as stress, frustration, impatience, or burnout. The problem is, if you don’t recognize the pattern, you’ll assume your reactions are just part of life.
Before you react—pause for 60 seconds. Then ask yourself:
Have I felt this way before in similar situations?
If someone else were watching me, what would they say I look like right now? (Tense? Withdrawn? Pissed off?)
What’s the last thing I lost or the last painful memory that came up? Could this be connected?
If nothing clicks right away, that’s fine. But if your gut tells you there’s even a small chance grief is involved, don’t brush it off. This is signal.
Step 2: Look in the Mirror Before You Look Out the Window
When things feel off, most men immediately look for a reason outside themselves.
Work is stressful.
My wife is on my case.
People just annoy me lately.
But what if the problem isn’t out there?
Before blaming someone else, do this:
Say your complaint out loud—but flip it toward yourself.
Instead of “My wife is always on my case,” say, “I’ve been harder to deal with lately.”
Instead of “People at work are pissing me off,” say, “I’ve been more impatient and withdrawn at work.”
Instead of “My kids don’t listen,” say, “I haven’t been fully present with them.”
If that statement stings, you’re onto something.
If your first reaction is, “Hell no, that’s not true,” sit with it for another 30 seconds.
If your first instinct is to defend yourself, you’re probably avoiding something important.
Because if it wasn’t true, it wouldn’t get a reaction.
This isn’t about self-blame—it’s about self-awareness. If you keep looking for the problem out there, you’ll never fix what’s going on in here.
Step 3: Move It Through You—Right Now
Once you recognize what’s going on, do something about it. Grief doesn’t move unless you move it.
Pick one:
Move your body. Grief isn’t just in your head—it’s in your muscles, your posture, your nervous system. Stand up and walk for five minutes. Lift something heavy. Get it out.
Write one raw sentence. Not in a journal, not in a “dear diary” way. Just type one honest, unfiltered sentence into your phone. Example:
I’m pissed off because I feel like I should have done more.
I feel lost without them.
I blame myself even though I know I shouldn’t.
Talk before it explodes. You don’t have to pour your heart out, but text one person right now and say, “You around?” Grief gets heavier when you carry it alone.
Don’t wait. If you tell yourself you’ll do it later, you won’t.
Final Challenge: Prove It
Right now, pick one thing from Step 3 and do it.
If you don’t, ask yourself why.
Because if you won’t take action now, when will you?
One Last Thought
I don’t have this mastered. Grief still owns me sometimes. But I catch it faster.
And that’s the whole point.
Keep reacting to the noise—or start listening to the signal.
What’s it going to be?
Have You Struggled with What to Say?
Most people don’t see their own blind spots when it comes to dealing with grief or other hard emotions - their own or someone else’s. They don’t realize how often they invalidate emotions, even with the best intentions.
If you’ve ever struggled with what to say (or not say) when someone’s going through something hard, I put together something for you: "What Not to Say: 10 Mistakes that Make Grief and Hard Emotions Worse."
It’s a free, short, straight-to-the-point guide on the things people say that do more harm than good—and what to do instead.
Another zinger !! Reminds me of Susan Davids key insight - “emotions are data not directives”. A statement that simple blew the doors to emotional intelligence wide open for me. I could observe what I was feeling instead of letting it rule my actions. Thanks buddy !
This is the kind of deep insight that only comes from lived experience...and an abundance of willingness to examine a thought system that has been taught to us. No fault of our parents...it's what they learned to. Awesome that you're teaching others to change the narrative. Looking forward to speaking about that with you on Wednesday.