What you're referring to as patterns, I think of in terms of parts. They're not the same, but they are related.
Looking at it now, I believe we agree more than is obvious when teasing them apart. We really should connect somewhere other than each other's comments. 😆
The distinction, I think, is that the patterns you're talking about are what our protective parts are doing. The difference is that patterns, especially misguided ones, are something worthy of a change agenda. No argument there. If patterns are problematic, it's likely action is warranted.
Parts are like people, though. They want to feel seen and appreciated for everything they're doing to help us get by. Trying to change them is about as effective as trying to change people.
My suspicion now, in looking at this, is that this is the source of our apparent differences on self-improvement (and the unspoken change agendas smuggled in by self-improvement). You see it in terms of patterns. I see it in terms of parts.
Is that right?
No amount of love and compassion will ever overturn a pattern of behavior. Patterns don't care. They don't have a perspective. Parts, however, believe they are, well... the self. When they're activated, they think they're Damon, and they are working hard to protect Damon through a variety of patterns.
Some of those patterns of behavior have protective short-term results that resonate with negative long-term consequences.
I'm with you in the sense that so much of what we do, often without realizing it, is designed to protect ourselves.
I think it's what makes the changes we really want so damn hard.
I tend to look at this from the perspective of the Immunity to Change framework, which is the coaching method I'm certified in. But I think it's probably quite similar to what you're describing, with some differences.
Where you say a part won't change because it thinks it's protecting you, I'd say the behavior is loyal to an assumption a person is treating as fact. Until that assumption gets tested, the behavior goes right back to work no matter how much willpower someone throws at it. Same animal, different side of the cage.
Immunity to Change says that just like our physical immune system protects us from risk, our psychological immune system protects us from emotional risk.
The idea is that some problems can't be solved by trying harder or learning one more skill, because the thing in the way is something you believe, not something you lack. That's the approach most of us take anyway, and it's why we stay stuck.
When I'm coaching someone, I help them identify the thing they want to get better at. Then I help them identify all the counter-productive behaviours they're doing or not doing that work against that goal.
The next step is imagining them doing the opposite of those things and getting clear on what the worst thing about that is for them. What most worries them.
The last step is really about identifying the underlying assumptions, often hidden, that must be true in order to justify those worries.
So the immune system works like this. Their assumptions justify their worries, which drive the counter-productive but self-protective behaviours that make sure their worries never come true.
Change happens by helping them design safe, real-world tests to collect data on those assumptions. By disproving them, the whole house of cards tends to collapse and change becomes much more possible.
Now, this is not therapy. It's coaching. The two work well together, but they're not the same thing. If someone's dealing with deep seated, unresolved trauma, that's the place to work with a therapist, not a coach.
This would make an incredible discussion. I'll send you a DM as soon as I'm done with this comment. :)
Nice. I think I saw that DM waiting for me. I'll be there shortly.
FWIW, you've said nothing I disagree with on a first pass. I mean, all the way to the claims around therapy versus coaching and where we draw the line.
Jason, I love what you are doing, here. I see it in my partner, even though there hasn't been any human losses, other than breakups. But really, those are losses, as well. And I do see his protectedness that turns into shielding his feelings and who he is. A dark place. Thank you for bringing the light into these men's lives, if only they will see that and make moves to process through it.
Thanks Jason, great tool! I did the assessment, and can identify with the Ghost diagnosis. I chatted a bit and got some good feedback on communicating with my 17 year old son. Using AI for quick check-ins and questions can be helpful AND I am so grateful to have a great therapist, good friends and a Men's Group to participate in real conversations with humans. Both/ and.
Hi Richard, I'm so glad you found it helpful and I appreciate both the feedback and your desire to connect with your 17-year-old. It's not always the easiest, especially around heavy stuff like grief and loss.
I'm also glad that you have so much support and a group of men around you. I run a fatherhood-oriented men's group for dads who own businesses, and I think having a band of brothers is so, so important.
Sadly, too many men are lone wolves and they tend to double down on it when hit with a devastating loss.
Oh interesting. I may have figured out something.
What you're referring to as patterns, I think of in terms of parts. They're not the same, but they are related.
Looking at it now, I believe we agree more than is obvious when teasing them apart. We really should connect somewhere other than each other's comments. 😆
The distinction, I think, is that the patterns you're talking about are what our protective parts are doing. The difference is that patterns, especially misguided ones, are something worthy of a change agenda. No argument there. If patterns are problematic, it's likely action is warranted.
Parts are like people, though. They want to feel seen and appreciated for everything they're doing to help us get by. Trying to change them is about as effective as trying to change people.
My suspicion now, in looking at this, is that this is the source of our apparent differences on self-improvement (and the unspoken change agendas smuggled in by self-improvement). You see it in terms of patterns. I see it in terms of parts.
Is that right?
No amount of love and compassion will ever overturn a pattern of behavior. Patterns don't care. They don't have a perspective. Parts, however, believe they are, well... the self. When they're activated, they think they're Damon, and they are working hard to protect Damon through a variety of patterns.
Some of those patterns of behavior have protective short-term results that resonate with negative long-term consequences.
Am I close to something that feels true?
I'm with you in the sense that so much of what we do, often without realizing it, is designed to protect ourselves.
I think it's what makes the changes we really want so damn hard.
I tend to look at this from the perspective of the Immunity to Change framework, which is the coaching method I'm certified in. But I think it's probably quite similar to what you're describing, with some differences.
Where you say a part won't change because it thinks it's protecting you, I'd say the behavior is loyal to an assumption a person is treating as fact. Until that assumption gets tested, the behavior goes right back to work no matter how much willpower someone throws at it. Same animal, different side of the cage.
Immunity to Change says that just like our physical immune system protects us from risk, our psychological immune system protects us from emotional risk.
The idea is that some problems can't be solved by trying harder or learning one more skill, because the thing in the way is something you believe, not something you lack. That's the approach most of us take anyway, and it's why we stay stuck.
When I'm coaching someone, I help them identify the thing they want to get better at. Then I help them identify all the counter-productive behaviours they're doing or not doing that work against that goal.
The next step is imagining them doing the opposite of those things and getting clear on what the worst thing about that is for them. What most worries them.
The last step is really about identifying the underlying assumptions, often hidden, that must be true in order to justify those worries.
So the immune system works like this. Their assumptions justify their worries, which drive the counter-productive but self-protective behaviours that make sure their worries never come true.
Change happens by helping them design safe, real-world tests to collect data on those assumptions. By disproving them, the whole house of cards tends to collapse and change becomes much more possible.
Now, this is not therapy. It's coaching. The two work well together, but they're not the same thing. If someone's dealing with deep seated, unresolved trauma, that's the place to work with a therapist, not a coach.
This would make an incredible discussion. I'll send you a DM as soon as I'm done with this comment. :)
Nice. I think I saw that DM waiting for me. I'll be there shortly.
FWIW, you've said nothing I disagree with on a first pass. I mean, all the way to the claims around therapy versus coaching and where we draw the line.
Jason, I love what you are doing, here. I see it in my partner, even though there hasn't been any human losses, other than breakups. But really, those are losses, as well. And I do see his protectedness that turns into shielding his feelings and who he is. A dark place. Thank you for bringing the light into these men's lives, if only they will see that and make moves to process through it.
Thanks Jason, great tool! I did the assessment, and can identify with the Ghost diagnosis. I chatted a bit and got some good feedback on communicating with my 17 year old son. Using AI for quick check-ins and questions can be helpful AND I am so grateful to have a great therapist, good friends and a Men's Group to participate in real conversations with humans. Both/ and.
Hi Richard, I'm so glad you found it helpful and I appreciate both the feedback and your desire to connect with your 17-year-old. It's not always the easiest, especially around heavy stuff like grief and loss.
I'm also glad that you have so much support and a group of men around you. I run a fatherhood-oriented men's group for dads who own businesses, and I think having a band of brothers is so, so important.
Sadly, too many men are lone wolves and they tend to double down on it when hit with a devastating loss.
I wish you peace and healing, brother.