His name is Adam. My favorite thing: He was funny, and had a huge and loud laugh. He had the biggest heart. Such huge empathy for others he would meet, and actually tried many times to do something special for them. He gave the most thoughtful gifts. He had learned the value of a relationship with his sister. He was a Colts and Indy 500 fan, and went to many events with his dad. He led the wrestling team with confidence. When he was wrestling, he was in control (most of the time). The person he was -while being team leader -was who we knew he could always be in everyday life. He struggled with self-negative talk, anxiety and depression since early elementary school. He took meds, but took himself off at age 18. (those meds really didn't work much) We were able to see this man, that he was while wrestling, a few months before his passing. He had been to the dr asking for meds- they worked miracles. Age 24, and he had finally realized his anxiety was a medical condition. Thankful we saw that gentleman. Adam crashed his car drunk driving. We had 2 police at our door at 230am. 10/29/2022 Mad at him, miss him, love him. I found your info on you tube just a couple of months after he passed. Your honesty has been so much like how we have felt. Thank you for posting. I print and take to my husband.
Also - I wrote a totally free e-book for men that might help your husband. You can download it here if you like.
Also - if he ever wants a guy to talk too who can relate, send me a private message and I’ll give you my cell number. It would be a honour to support another grieving dad. ❤️
Thank you so much for this and oh my word, did it resonate with me. This is my first time posting here and I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your wife and your daughter. I have not lost a child and don't even begin to know that devastation. I lost my sister, dad and husband in the same year, 3 years ago. My mom was a year later.
The devastating grief of losing my husband almost took me out. I lost him before I knew how to live without him. I resonated so much with your words about living so hypervigilantly for so long that it became the norm. My nervous system is just now coming back on line and it's no joke, or more accurately, it's a real fucker. My body is just now catching up with where my brain has been. Oooof. It's rough. One day at a time I guess.
Thank you again for writing here, it's an important space and I devour your words.
Thank you for being here. And I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Losing your sister, dad, husband, and then your mom in that stretch of time is such an unbelievable amount to bear.
“I lost him before I knew how to live without him.” That line hit me square in the feels.
What you described about your nervous system coming back online makes complete sense. When we live in survival mode long enough, it’s like a block of ice forming around our wounds. And when it starts to thaw, the hurt gets exposed to the air. It can be brutal.
One day at a time isn’t cliché when you’re actually living it. It’s reality.
I’m grateful my words have helped you. And I’m really glad you posted. You’re not alone, Carol.
If it doesn’t feel like too much, I’d love to hear the names of the people you lost and some things you love most about them. No pressure, only an invitation ❤️
I wrote a long reply to your reply the other day and I don't know what happened to it. It wasn't the one that was supposed to be sent I guess.
Thank you for your kind words. I agree that "one day at a time isn't cliche when you're actually living it." That's so true of recovery also...it's certainly not cliche then either.
Thank you for asking about my family that passed. My sister was DeeAnne, my dad was Steve, my dad Roy and mom was Shirley.
There's so much to say about each one, but I'll just talk about Steve for now. He was an absolutely great guy. He was kind and loving and so generous. He loved me in a way I had never experienced before and as he told me time and time again, he was my #1 fan! Integrity was paramount to him in whatever he was involved in. He was also human, as am I, so we butted heads sometimes and had things to work through. But being married to him for 22 years was a glorious experience. Thanks again for asking.
I'm so glad I found this space, it is really, really helpful and important. I love how honestly you write and share your experience.. By doing that you allow others the opportunity to go second, because you are giving the gift going first. That's so important. Thanks again.
SAME. I thought we were the BEST parents. Pride. I look at others now, they still have their children. Humility. I took a deep dive into books, podcasts and all things self help: to "get better". Another lesson learned..... exhausted with grief of our son. Year 4, and still so very difficult, on and off each and every day, ever hour. Most difficult thing ever. Praying for a peace that passes all understanding. Praying for the loss of the life/person/family/couple before grief. Praying to have JOY back at some point. YOU ARE SPOT ON SO MANY MANY TIMES.
I hear every word of this. I’m so sorry about your son.
If it’s not too much, I’d love to hear his name and a few things you love most about him.
That mix of pride, exhaustion, and humility is painfully familiar. The deep dive into self-help, the effort to “get better,” and the reality that grief still shows up whenever it wants. Year four doesn’t make it easier. It just makes it different.
I think what you mentioned about the ripple effect of his death is so important. You’re not just grieving your son, but the life, the family, the couple you were before. Until you’re living it, it’s almost impossible to imagine how grief seeps into every nook and cranny of your life.
I wish you and your family pease and healing Susie. ❤️
Thank You for your vulnerability. I have also felt the unexpected humbling brought by my son's death to suicide. I thought if I did everything 'right' my children would grow into well-adjusted happy adults. Turns out, there is a lot out of our control...and I didn't do everything right. My compassion for all parents has become much bigger, but most especially myself.
I agree with everything Jason said here. Self-compassion is hard to find, but I honestly see it as the most important part of our healing. Sending love, Tricia ❤️
Thank you for sharing this, Tricia. I’m truly sorry about your son. Losing a child is such a devastating experience.
Would it feel like too much if I asked you your son's name and a few things you love most about him?
That humbling you describe is exactly it. The illusion that doing everything “right” guarantees a wonderful outcome is a hard one to have shattered.
There are so many situations where there is no “right.” All we can do is our best. And there are so many variables that influence the trajectory of our kids’ lives that we have no control over.
I appreciate how you mentioned compassion, especially compassion for yourself. That’s often the hardest part. It’s often much easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves.
Thank you for adding your voice to this conversation ❤️
His name is Benn, with 2 'n's...after the highest mountain in the Scottish Highlands: Ben Nevis. He lived life at 100% for all of his 29 years, never wasting an opportunity for adventure. He was brutally tough on the outside, but soft as a marshmallow on the inside, especially for his people. His friends all spoke of him as a protector, a steady, optimistic sort of guy, always encouraging them to be better. I miss him deeply. Which sounds stupid. Because my longing to have him here again is much more fierce than that. There just aren't words adequate.
“I miss him deeply” doesn’t sound stupid to me at all. It sounds like a devastate mama trying to put words to the indescribable. Longing that fierce doesn’t have language big enough for it.
Thank you for telling me about him. Benn mattered. And he still does ❤️
This was so well thought out and so well said. Thank you.
Thank you brother. I really appreciate you saying that. Your podcast episode is coming out soon
His name is Adam. My favorite thing: He was funny, and had a huge and loud laugh. He had the biggest heart. Such huge empathy for others he would meet, and actually tried many times to do something special for them. He gave the most thoughtful gifts. He had learned the value of a relationship with his sister. He was a Colts and Indy 500 fan, and went to many events with his dad. He led the wrestling team with confidence. When he was wrestling, he was in control (most of the time). The person he was -while being team leader -was who we knew he could always be in everyday life. He struggled with self-negative talk, anxiety and depression since early elementary school. He took meds, but took himself off at age 18. (those meds really didn't work much) We were able to see this man, that he was while wrestling, a few months before his passing. He had been to the dr asking for meds- they worked miracles. Age 24, and he had finally realized his anxiety was a medical condition. Thankful we saw that gentleman. Adam crashed his car drunk driving. We had 2 police at our door at 230am. 10/29/2022 Mad at him, miss him, love him. I found your info on you tube just a couple of months after he passed. Your honesty has been so much like how we have felt. Thank you for posting. I print and take to my husband.
Also - I wrote a totally free e-book for men that might help your husband. You can download it here if you like.
Also - if he ever wants a guy to talk too who can relate, send me a private message and I’ll give you my cell number. It would be a honour to support another grieving dad. ❤️
https://open.substack.com/pub/leadingthroughloss/p/grief-blew-your-life-apart-this-guide?r=1tmtx5&utm_medium=ios
Thank you for telling me about Adam. I can see him in what you wrote.
I’m so sorry about that 2:30am knock. I know that sound. I know how it divides life into before and after.
My daughter died driving drunk and stoned. She was also suffering.
I’m grateful you found my work when you did. And I’m honored that you print it and share it with your husband. That means a lot to me.
Adam mattered. Thank you for making sure I know a little of who he is.
Thank you so much for this and oh my word, did it resonate with me. This is my first time posting here and I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your wife and your daughter. I have not lost a child and don't even begin to know that devastation. I lost my sister, dad and husband in the same year, 3 years ago. My mom was a year later.
The devastating grief of losing my husband almost took me out. I lost him before I knew how to live without him. I resonated so much with your words about living so hypervigilantly for so long that it became the norm. My nervous system is just now coming back on line and it's no joke, or more accurately, it's a real fucker. My body is just now catching up with where my brain has been. Oooof. It's rough. One day at a time I guess.
Thank you again for writing here, it's an important space and I devour your words.
Thank you for being here. And I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Losing your sister, dad, husband, and then your mom in that stretch of time is such an unbelievable amount to bear.
“I lost him before I knew how to live without him.” That line hit me square in the feels.
What you described about your nervous system coming back online makes complete sense. When we live in survival mode long enough, it’s like a block of ice forming around our wounds. And when it starts to thaw, the hurt gets exposed to the air. It can be brutal.
One day at a time isn’t cliché when you’re actually living it. It’s reality.
I’m grateful my words have helped you. And I’m really glad you posted. You’re not alone, Carol.
If it doesn’t feel like too much, I’d love to hear the names of the people you lost and some things you love most about them. No pressure, only an invitation ❤️
I wrote a long reply to your reply the other day and I don't know what happened to it. It wasn't the one that was supposed to be sent I guess.
Thank you for your kind words. I agree that "one day at a time isn't cliche when you're actually living it." That's so true of recovery also...it's certainly not cliche then either.
Thank you for asking about my family that passed. My sister was DeeAnne, my dad was Steve, my dad Roy and mom was Shirley.
There's so much to say about each one, but I'll just talk about Steve for now. He was an absolutely great guy. He was kind and loving and so generous. He loved me in a way I had never experienced before and as he told me time and time again, he was my #1 fan! Integrity was paramount to him in whatever he was involved in. He was also human, as am I, so we butted heads sometimes and had things to work through. But being married to him for 22 years was a glorious experience. Thanks again for asking.
I'm so glad I found this space, it is really, really helpful and important. I love how honestly you write and share your experience.. By doing that you allow others the opportunity to go second, because you are giving the gift going first. That's so important. Thanks again.
SAME. I thought we were the BEST parents. Pride. I look at others now, they still have their children. Humility. I took a deep dive into books, podcasts and all things self help: to "get better". Another lesson learned..... exhausted with grief of our son. Year 4, and still so very difficult, on and off each and every day, ever hour. Most difficult thing ever. Praying for a peace that passes all understanding. Praying for the loss of the life/person/family/couple before grief. Praying to have JOY back at some point. YOU ARE SPOT ON SO MANY MANY TIMES.
I hear every word of this. I’m so sorry about your son.
If it’s not too much, I’d love to hear his name and a few things you love most about him.
That mix of pride, exhaustion, and humility is painfully familiar. The deep dive into self-help, the effort to “get better,” and the reality that grief still shows up whenever it wants. Year four doesn’t make it easier. It just makes it different.
I think what you mentioned about the ripple effect of his death is so important. You’re not just grieving your son, but the life, the family, the couple you were before. Until you’re living it, it’s almost impossible to imagine how grief seeps into every nook and cranny of your life.
I wish you and your family pease and healing Susie. ❤️
Always inspiring Jason, especially in your humility and compassion ❤️
Thank you, friend. I had a lovely chat with Ethan the other day ❤️
Thank You for your vulnerability. I have also felt the unexpected humbling brought by my son's death to suicide. I thought if I did everything 'right' my children would grow into well-adjusted happy adults. Turns out, there is a lot out of our control...and I didn't do everything right. My compassion for all parents has become much bigger, but most especially myself.
I agree with everything Jason said here. Self-compassion is hard to find, but I honestly see it as the most important part of our healing. Sending love, Tricia ❤️
Thank you for sharing this, Tricia. I’m truly sorry about your son. Losing a child is such a devastating experience.
Would it feel like too much if I asked you your son's name and a few things you love most about him?
That humbling you describe is exactly it. The illusion that doing everything “right” guarantees a wonderful outcome is a hard one to have shattered.
There are so many situations where there is no “right.” All we can do is our best. And there are so many variables that influence the trajectory of our kids’ lives that we have no control over.
I appreciate how you mentioned compassion, especially compassion for yourself. That’s often the hardest part. It’s often much easier to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves.
Thank you for adding your voice to this conversation ❤️
His name is Benn, with 2 'n's...after the highest mountain in the Scottish Highlands: Ben Nevis. He lived life at 100% for all of his 29 years, never wasting an opportunity for adventure. He was brutally tough on the outside, but soft as a marshmallow on the inside, especially for his people. His friends all spoke of him as a protector, a steady, optimistic sort of guy, always encouraging them to be better. I miss him deeply. Which sounds stupid. Because my longing to have him here again is much more fierce than that. There just aren't words adequate.
“I miss him deeply” doesn’t sound stupid to me at all. It sounds like a devastate mama trying to put words to the indescribable. Longing that fierce doesn’t have language big enough for it.
Thank you for telling me about him. Benn mattered. And he still does ❤️