Grief Tools for Men #1: How to Focus on What You Can Control
It Happened. What Happens Next is Up to You.
Chapters in this Guide
The Traps Keeping You Stuck
The Tools
This is the first tool for a reason—it’s your foundation. If you don’t get a grip on what’s in your control, you’ll stay stuck fighting battles you can’t win. Everything else builds from here.
For thousands of years, some of the toughest, most unbreakable men in history have followed a simple truth:
Focus only on what you can control. Let go of the rest.
The Stoics—men like Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus—weren’t soft philosophers sitting around writing poetry. These were warriors, statesmen, and survivors of exile and war. They faced disease, betrayal, and death. And instead of crumbling under the weight of what they couldn’t change, they chose to master what was still theirs to command.
Marcus Aurelius, who ruled Rome while his empire was falling apart, wrote:
"You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength."
He didn’t promise comfort. Or peace. Or happiness.
He promised strength.
And that’s what men need when the world rips their hearts out.
Right now, grief is throwing everything at you. The temptation is to fight what you can’t change. To rage against the past. To replay the what-ifs and keep digging through the ashes for a different ending.
But none of that will give you your power back.
And it sure as hell won’t return what you’ve lost.
The only way forward is to control what’s still yours to control.
But This Isn't About "Solving" Grief
Before we talk about control, let’s get one thing straight - sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is stop fighting for control.
And that too, is a choice that’s yours to make.
Some days, your only move is to let the pain be big. To let it hit you like a freight train.
To sit in it without reaching for a fix.
That’s not weakness. That’s not failure. That’s the work.
And it’s the hardest thing to do because it sucks so damn badly.
If you try to control grief before you’ve let yourself feel it, you’ll just be running from it.
You’re reading this because you’ve learned that it’ll always catch you.
So don’t think of this tool as a way to control grief.
Think of it as a way to navigate grief—a compass, not a shield.
Once you’ve faced it, once you’ve let the pain be what it is—then you get to decide what you do next.
And that’s where this tool comes in.
What You Don’t Control (But Grief Makes You Fixate On)
The Past & “What Ifs”
What you did or didn’t say before they died
The last conversation you had with them
Whether you were there when they passed
The things you regret not doing together
That one mistake you think might have changed everything
The times you got angry, distant, or distracted instead of present
The fact that you didn’t know how bad things really were
Every warning sign you missed
Every decision you second-guess now
The moment that led to their death—if you could’ve stopped it
The Brutal Reality of Death
The fact that they are gone, and nothing can bring them back
That they suffered, even if just for a moment
That there will always be things left unsaid
That life keeps moving forward without them
The way people have or haven’t acknowledged your loss
How people talk about them—or how they don’t talk about them at all
The way their death happened, whether it was peaceful or violent, expected or sudden
How Others Respond to Your Grief
Who shows up for you and who disappears
What people say (or don’t say) to “comfort” you
The fact that some people just don’t get it—and never will
That some people think you should “move on” already
That others expect you to grieve a certain way
The way people avoid mentioning their name because they feel awkward
The way family members grieve differently and don’t understand your way of coping
Your Own Pain & Grief Process
The fact that some days, grief feels unbearable
That you can’t predict when the next wave will hit
That certain places, songs, smells, or dates will wreck you
That grief doesn’t follow a timeline—it lasts as long as it lasts
That you don’t feel like yourself anymore and can’t “fix” it overnight
That some emotions hit harder than others—guilt, anger, numbness, loneliness
That no matter how much time passes, there will always be hard moments
The Future You Thought You’d Have
The milestones they’ll never reach
The life experiences you’ll never share with them
The dreams you had that now feel pointless
The way holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries will never be the same
The things you wish they could see—your growth, your healing, your love for them
And there’s more. Of course it feels maddening. How could it not?
But the more you fight it, the more power it has over you.
Here’s the reality that’s so hard to accept:
You don’t control any of this. The past has already happened. The person or thing you’ve lost is gone. As much as you might want to, you can’t control other people. And the future you dreamed of will never be what you once imagined.
But you do control what you do next.
What You Do Control
How you choose to see it (Your perspective)
What you want to do with it (Your goals, intentions, desires)
The actions you take (Your decisions, your behavior)
That’s it. That’s all any of us ever have. But it’s so much more than you think.
I like to use my buddy Larry as a case study for how this works.
Larry is the kind of guy who does everything right. He eats clean, trains hard, and takes care of his body like a machine. The guy is disciplined as hell.
And then, a few years ago, his knee started bleeding—randomly and uncontrollably.
At first, it was weird. Then it got worse. Soon, he could barely walk, let alone work out. The pain was excruciating.Doctors couldn’t figure it out. At one point, they were even talking about amputating his leg.
Larry did everything in his control to stay strong and healthy—and shit still went sideways.
Because that’s how life works.
We control our actions, but we don’t control the outcomes. There are too many moving pieces, too many random factors we can’t influence.
But even in that brutal situation, there were still things in Larry’s control:
The choice to see this as his body telling him to rest, not betraying him.
The commitment to follow his physiotherapy routine to the letter.
The willingness to be honest with his wife about his fears instead of shutting her out.
The decision to share his experience with others so they could learn from his struggle.
The discipline to keep training his upper body when his leg was out of commission.
The patience to sit with uncertainty instead of letting it break him.
Focusing on what was in his control - again and again, as many times as it took - put him back in the driver’s seat. And when life hits hard, that shift makes all the difference.
That’s the real test—not whether life kicks your ass, but what you do when it does.
And Larry? He’s walking on his own two feet and as fit as ever. The bastard.
The “What’s In My Control” Exercise
This is something you can do again and again—whenever you need it. And it’s dead ass simple.
I often do it before big milestones, death anniversaries, or tough days. It helps me have a better idea of where to direct my energy and focus. It also helps stay the hell away from the things I know will make it worse.
How to do it:
Grab a piece of paper.
Draw a line down the middle.
On the left side, write what’s out of your control.
On the right side, write what’s in your control.
Examples:
Out of Your Control → In Your Control
(P) is for perspective
(W) is for wants
(A) is for actions
What you did or didn’t say before they died → Choosing to forgive yourself for not being able to save them. (P)
That one mistake you think might have changed everything → Owning the past but using it as a learning opportunity. (P)
The fact that they are gone and nothing can bring them back → Choosing to carry their memory forward in a meaningful way. (A)
Whether your kids who are still alive talk to you about their grief → Your decision to share more of your grief journey with them. (A)
That certain places, songs, smells, or dates will bring you to your knees → Wanting to navigate those triggers in a way that feels right for you. (W)
That some people think you should "move on" already → Allowing yourself to grieve on your own timeline, not society’s. And choosing to look at what they say as them trying to help the best way they know how.(P)
The way people have or haven’t acknowledged your loss → Wanting to surround yourself with people who acknowledge and respect your grief. (W)
The milestones they’ll never reach → Wanting to find ways to honor them in the moments they’re missing. (W)
How people talk about them—or how they don’t talk about them at all → Deciding who you trust to talk about them with and keeping their name alive. (A)
That no matter how much time passes, there will always be hard moments → Building a support system that understands your loss. (A)
See the pattern? The stuff in your control is all internal to you—your thoughts, your wants, your actions, your perspective. The stuff out of your control? Other people, the past, and random external bullshit.
Even Knowledge is Powerful
I got nineteen years, one month, and sixteen days on this earth with Chloe. I was hoping for seventy.
I could spend the rest of my life feeling robbed. And no one would blame me.
But I choose to be grateful for the time I did have. Nineteen years is a hell of a lot better than zero. Most of the time, I can hold onto that. That’s me focusing on what’s in my control—how I choose to see those years.
But there have been moments - countless moments - where the pain of losing of her is unbearable and overwhelming. And in those moments, gratitude isn’t even on the table.
There’s no forcing it. No “choosing” it.
But what I do know, is that when the wave passes, I will be able to choose gratitude once again.
That knowledge stiffens my spine. It doesn’t erase the pain, but it makes it a little more bearable. It plants a glimmer of hope in the middle of a nightmarish storm.
And sometimes, that glimmer is the only damn lighthouse in the storm.
Final Thought: This Is Not a Weapon Against Your Pain
This isn’t about fighting grief.
It’s not about suppressing pain or outthinking loss.
It’s about standing back up after it knocks you down.
When the next wave hits, let it.
But when it passes, reach for what’s still in your control.
Then, take the next step forward.
YOUR NEXT STEPS: Learn The Most Important Relationship Skill You Were Never Taught
Ever been in a conversation where someone was grieving, upset, or overwhelmed—and you had no idea what to say?
Maybe you tried to cheer them up, offered advice they didn’t want, or just froze, unsure of how to help. And afterward, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you could’ve shown up better.
💡 You’re not alone. Most people struggle with this—not because they don’t care, but because no one ever taught them how.
That’s why I created The LEAD Model Training—so you can stop second-guessing yourself and start being the person people turn to in their hardest moments.
Here’s What You’ll Walk Away With:
✅ A simple, repeatable framework (Label, Explore, Acknowledge, Decide) that works in any emotional conversation.
✅ Confidence in what to say (and what NOT to say) so you never feel awkward or unsure again.
✅ Proven techniques that make people feel deeply heard—without forcing them to open up.
✅ Real-world role-play scenarios so you’re not just learning, you’re practicing.
Most people:
🚫 Jump to fixing before someone is ready.
🚫 Say things that make people shut down without realizing it.
🚫 Avoid tough conversations altogether out of fear of saying the wrong thing.
But the people who get this right? They build deeper relationships, gain unshakable trust, and become the person others turn to when it truly matters.
🔥 If you’re ready to stop feeling helpless in emotional conversations, join the LEAD Model Training today.
Thank you for this! The tendency to resist the waves of grief as though there’s something we can do to change it is a big one for me. I’ll choose to let it next time it comes in. Can’t stop the storm, but I can choose how I move through it.
As ever, beautiful written, meaningful, powerful, applicable and practical. I can't wait for the book.