She's Already Told You What She Needs

You heard a to-do list. She meant something else.

Over the years, I’ve heard too many men say some version of, “I don’t know what she wants from me.”

You’re probably showing up the way you think you’re supposed to. Or at least doing your best to mostly be a good partner. No one’s perfect, after all.

You go to work and pay the bills. You come home most nights and tend not to do the things that wreck relationships. You’re not having affairs, gambling the house away or disappearing for three days at a time. Most people think you’re a pretty good guy.

So why does it feel like something’s missing that you can’t put your finger on? The fact that you’re asking yourself, after all this time, is the problem.

She’s told you what she needs, probably too many times to count. You heard a list, and probably went to work on it. For a while. You bought her flowers a few times and even planned a weekend getaway. You try to help her fix things when she’s upset, even before she asks you to.

None of it seems to be working. She’s stopped bringing it up and now, when you ask her what’s wrong, all you get is “I’m fine,” and you both know it isn’t true. You’re out of ideas on what to do next so you’ve decided she’s unhappy and there’s no pleasing her. You’ve filed it away under problems you can’t solve and moved on to the ones you can.

What she wants from you isn’t more of what you’ve been doing. She wants more than a man who completes tasks. She wants three things, and most men have no idea how to give them to her.

She wants to be seen. She wants to be understood. She wants to feel safe.

Seen Means Noticing Her Without Having to Be Told

See and acknowledge the invisible work that you never think about. She’s managing the appointments, birthdays, social relationships, and the never-ending list of what everyone in the house needs to be comfortable. And better yet, take some of it on to lighten her load.

Know the difference between recognition and appreciation and do both. And be specific. Recognition means acknowledging her for something she’s done. “Thank you so much listening to me when I’ve had a rough day at work.” Appreciation means honouring her for who she is. “I love your gentleness with the kids because it’s helping them become kind, compassionate human beings.”

Be the most interested person in the world in her. Care enough to be curious about her thoughts, emotions, fears, frustrations, wants and needs. Ask her about the things she cares about that have nothing to do with the house or kids. Understanding her will make it easier to love her.

Instead of saying, “You’re hot,” or “You’re beautiful,” say, “I find you so beautiful.” The first one is a judgement that she’s more likely to push back on. The second is you sharing your experience in a way that’s much easier for her to receive.

Stop what you’re doing and look at her when she talks to you, rather than your phone, the TV or your plate. Giving her half your attention when she needs all of it is another, very clear way of saying, “You’re not important me right now.”

Understood Means You Get It Without Fixing It

She does and says things that make perfect sense to her in the moment. Even if they don’t make sense to you and even if they don’t make common sense. Instead of trying to get her to think about things your way or correct her thinking, try to understand why they make sense to her. You’ll be amazed at what you learn.

When she comes to you and she’s upset, listen and say, “That sounds really hard,” and then shut the fuck up. She doesn’t want your magic solution to what you think her problem is. She wants to know you’re trying to understand where she’s coming from. You don’t have to agree or approve of her perspective. You just need to genuinely try to understand it.

Ask about her, rather than the just the facts. Men tend to interrogate so they can gather evidence for the repair job they think they’re supposed to provide. “What makes that so hard”, or “What do you wish they’d done instead?”, or “What did that bring up for you?”, is you trying to understand. One feels like a fact-finding mission and the other feels like she matters.

Learn the skills that make her want to talk to you. Instead of firing off a million questions, say back what you heard and let her correct you if needed. It helps her feel more in control of the conversation and helps her open up, which helps you learn more.

Be enough of a man to listen to her when the person she’s upset with is you. Getting defensive and pouting about it is doing nothing to help you understand what’s on her mind and heart. If you find yourself rationalizing it or making it about her, you’re being an idiot. We’re all idiots at times. Be able to recognize it when you’re being one.

Stop treating listening and helping like oil and water. She’s not against solutions. She’s against solutions she didn’t ask for from a man who couldn’t be bothered to understand the problem first. Prove to her you care enough to understand what she’s going through and she’ll often ask you for your take on her own. Your advice will be more welcome when she’s actually asked for it. And if she doesn’t ask, don’t give it to her anyway.

Bring it back up before she does. Remember what she told you and ask her about it. “It’s been a couple of days, how are you feeling about what happened? I know how heavy it was for you and wanted to check in?”

Safe Means She Can Count On You

Without safety, the other two don’t matter.

Safety means two separate things. The first is whether she can be honest with you without it costing her. If she can’t, she’ll learn it quickly and stop being honest. She’ll start managing you and choose to say nothing to keep the peace. Over time she’ll check out and you’ll call it a great marriage right up until the day she tells you it’s over.

The second is whether she can stop worrying about you doing something stupid and harmful to yourself, and your family. Can she go to sleep without wondering if you’ll go off the deep end when you’re out with your buddies. Can she be sure you won’t make an ass out of yourself when you’re in social situations? Can she be sure you won’t fly off the handle and get canned from your job?

Is she with a man whose judgement she can trust?

Deal with your shit. We all have it. Pretending you’re fine when you’re obviously not is passing your pain onto her without her consent. Seeing you actively do the work to heal from the trauma you’ve experienced, the losses you’ve suffered or the addictions you wrestle with will show her that you care enough about yourself to care about her.

Take ownership over the harm you’ve caused her. If you got drunk and embarrassed her, accept that it could take her years to stop worrying about it. That’s on you, brother. You don’t get to put a timeline on how long it takes someone to heal from the damage you’ve caused them. Recognize that she takes your “I’m sorry you feel that way,” for what they are. They’re you telling her she’s wrong.

Be the kind of predictable that means she isn’t on pins and needles for you to do something dumb. She’ll never be able to fully relax if you stick her with the job of having to keep an eye on you. Stop making her be your mother instead of your wife.

Make your word and reality the same thing. Make it easy for her to plan her life around you rather than having to make a backup plan for everything you say you’re going to do but don’t. Every kept word is a deposit in your joint emotional bank account and every broken promise is a withdrawal. Keep the balance high.

Never use what she shares with you against her. Be the man who listens to her, without judgement, and refuses to bring it up to win an argument or cause her more hurt than you think she’s causing you.

The Job You Didn’t Know You Had

You can provide and protect and still leave her feeling alone in her own house. Realizing what you thought was the right thing isn’t enough can be a tough pill to swallow. Now, on top of everything you’re already doing, you have to do more?

You don’t have to do anything else if you don’t want to. Many men don’t.

But if you show her that you see her, that you truly want to understand her, and that you’re the one place in her life where she can let down her guard, she stops having to keep one eye on you and finally gets to breathe. You’ll give her the space to truly love her.

Most men never find out that was the job until it’s too late.

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I’m always trying to find ways to be useful to grieving men, and the people who love them.

I built something called the Gut Check. It shows you which of four patterns you’re using to cope with your loss and how it’s costing the people who live with you. It’s free, no strings attached, and it takes a few minutes.