A thoughtful essay here. 100%. My husband and I promised each other that our communication would be first priority since we both had awful first marriages. They key is speaking the need….be clear and don’t expect your spouse/partner to be a mind reader. If work is getting in the way, I state the need and how it makes me feel. “When you are wrapped up in work for extra hours, it can feel isolating. Or, When your “family member” said that, I felt minimized (something we still work on) I have a signal that I give him in conversation when we are with family which is 3 fingers turned upside down…it’s an “M” for I’m being minimized. I’ve used it and it works. *Some of this is taken from Marshall Rosebergs “Non Violent Communication” which is coursework I took in my field of work.
I’m fortunate that I have a husband who receives well…though I did notice recently when we get to a subject that really feels deep for him, he will deflect and sometimes walk away…but that’s the exception. (it takes us a lot to get to that point) We also have a signal that we do by text or email….”are you able to check in later?” It means that one of us has confusion around the calendar or that we want to talk and its priority. Now this still will cause some hypervigilance on his part because he will over think it…its always a process. And its important that these are not always “bad” check ins….I might say, "I saw that you organized the laundry folding and I want you to know that I appreciate it.” and look him right in the eyes.
I read part of your stack to him and asked him “What do you think I need from you?” It was a good conversation. :)
I told him that if a man shows up with a Ferrari and says…here you go! or a man shows up after work and says, wow, it looks like you had a heavy day, tell me about it?, I choose the second every time. I want: SAFETY, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, SUPPORT. in that order. and I want my husband to care for himself so I’m not managing appts, food, calendar items.
I want to push back gently on the phrase…”what does that bring up for you?” It feels a little “therapy-like” and it signals that what you feel is wrong and judgement is coming. (it signals that there is an authority in the room and it isn’t you) I might reframe to" “Does that remind you of anything?” or “does your body want to say something about it?”
A thoughtful essay here. 100%. My husband and I promised each other that our communication would be first priority since we both had awful first marriages. They key is speaking the need….be clear and don’t expect your spouse/partner to be a mind reader. If work is getting in the way, I state the need and how it makes me feel. “When you are wrapped up in work for extra hours, it can feel isolating. Or, When your “family member” said that, I felt minimized (something we still work on) I have a signal that I give him in conversation when we are with family which is 3 fingers turned upside down…it’s an “M” for I’m being minimized. I’ve used it and it works. *Some of this is taken from Marshall Rosebergs “Non Violent Communication” which is coursework I took in my field of work.
I’m fortunate that I have a husband who receives well…though I did notice recently when we get to a subject that really feels deep for him, he will deflect and sometimes walk away…but that’s the exception. (it takes us a lot to get to that point) We also have a signal that we do by text or email….”are you able to check in later?” It means that one of us has confusion around the calendar or that we want to talk and its priority. Now this still will cause some hypervigilance on his part because he will over think it…its always a process. And its important that these are not always “bad” check ins….I might say, "I saw that you organized the laundry folding and I want you to know that I appreciate it.” and look him right in the eyes.
I read part of your stack to him and asked him “What do you think I need from you?” It was a good conversation. :)
I told him that if a man shows up with a Ferrari and says…here you go! or a man shows up after work and says, wow, it looks like you had a heavy day, tell me about it?, I choose the second every time. I want: SAFETY, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, SUPPORT. in that order. and I want my husband to care for himself so I’m not managing appts, food, calendar items.
I want to push back gently on the phrase…”what does that bring up for you?” It feels a little “therapy-like” and it signals that what you feel is wrong and judgement is coming. (it signals that there is an authority in the room and it isn’t you) I might reframe to" “Does that remind you of anything?” or “does your body want to say something about it?”
Lovely essay.
Your article helps me understand the man I’ve been living with so much better.
I'm so glad you found it helpful Kristine. ❤️
Lots of really good stuff here and I’d be lying if I didn’t see myself at times in your examples.
Definitely room for improvement. Thanks for the kick in the pants.