Well said, Jason. So much of this could be applied to our relationships with other men, too.
We could be more present and less inclined to solve (much less, like not at all). I realize I'm singing to the choir here, but it's not only women who want to feel seen, understood, and safe. We're just less likely to articulate those wants.
If anything, men will seriously appreciate true presence from another man over anything else, any day. That's nothing against flowers.
(But if you're asking, I'd rather it was a flowering plant in a nice pot.)
I so appreciate the clarity and kindness. The directness and the compassion.
I wish I could find the words to say these things. Some days they come easily. Other days I’m too tired of carrying ‘it’. I know that’s why they call it emotional labour. And I’m putting ‘it’ down more and more. Sadly.
My counsellor says to take time figure out what I Want…. Not always what I need. And come from there. From inner desire. Needs are what the child asks for. Wants are the Adult asking. It feels different in me. More empowering.
Thank you again. It’s sparked something I couldn’t name, but know it’s there now.
Hi friend, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to write it.
I love hearing how you and your husband have made communication and empathy such a priority in your relationship. I think they're foundational to a healthy relationship.
I find that I can walk away too at times if I feel defensive. We have a pretty clear boundary that we don't chase one another when that happens. But it's based on a shared expectation that we'll also come back and talk through it so nothing gets left unresolved.
I definitely get defensive much less nowadays, and when I do, my turn around time when I get defensive is often a minute or two whereas I would sulk a lot longer when I was younger. I much more able to sit with the experience in my body rather than making up a story about what it means and reacting to it.
I love your suggestions on questions to ask.
I'm curious about what you mean about "what does is it bringing up for you" signalling what the other person is thinking is wrong or that judgement is coming. For me, it's just a way of asking what about her thoughts, emotions and what's happening in her body in one sentence. There's no judgement from me at all and I know she doesn't feel it from me when I ask that. It's a genuine attempt at understanding her.
Having said that, what works for one couple might not work for another and it takes some effort and experimentation to figure it out.
Well said, Jason. So much of this could be applied to our relationships with other men, too.
We could be more present and less inclined to solve (much less, like not at all). I realize I'm singing to the choir here, but it's not only women who want to feel seen, understood, and safe. We're just less likely to articulate those wants.
If anything, men will seriously appreciate true presence from another man over anything else, any day. That's nothing against flowers.
(But if you're asking, I'd rather it was a flowering plant in a nice pot.)
This is so poignant to me. It seems so simple, but I failed to communicate these three needs.
I so appreciate the clarity and kindness. The directness and the compassion.
I wish I could find the words to say these things. Some days they come easily. Other days I’m too tired of carrying ‘it’. I know that’s why they call it emotional labour. And I’m putting ‘it’ down more and more. Sadly.
My counsellor says to take time figure out what I Want…. Not always what I need. And come from there. From inner desire. Needs are what the child asks for. Wants are the Adult asking. It feels different in me. More empowering.
Thank you again. It’s sparked something I couldn’t name, but know it’s there now.
Thank you so much for reading. Communicating our needs can be so hard. And really hearing what the other person is saying can be just as hard. ❤️❤️
Thank you for this thoughtful piece, Jason. When a couple is grieving the loss of a child, this is even more important, and more complex.
Your article helps me understand the man I’ve been living with so much better.
I'm so glad you found it helpful Kristine. ❤️
Lots of really good stuff here and I’d be lying if I didn’t see myself at times in your examples.
Definitely room for improvement. Thanks for the kick in the pants.
You’re welcome brother and I appreciate your encouragement ❤️👊
Hi friend, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to write it.
I love hearing how you and your husband have made communication and empathy such a priority in your relationship. I think they're foundational to a healthy relationship.
I find that I can walk away too at times if I feel defensive. We have a pretty clear boundary that we don't chase one another when that happens. But it's based on a shared expectation that we'll also come back and talk through it so nothing gets left unresolved.
I definitely get defensive much less nowadays, and when I do, my turn around time when I get defensive is often a minute or two whereas I would sulk a lot longer when I was younger. I much more able to sit with the experience in my body rather than making up a story about what it means and reacting to it.
I love your suggestions on questions to ask.
I'm curious about what you mean about "what does is it bringing up for you" signalling what the other person is thinking is wrong or that judgement is coming. For me, it's just a way of asking what about her thoughts, emotions and what's happening in her body in one sentence. There's no judgement from me at all and I know she doesn't feel it from me when I ask that. It's a genuine attempt at understanding her.
Having said that, what works for one couple might not work for another and it takes some effort and experimentation to figure it out.
Thanks again for reading and commenting!